Becoming…

Over the past couple days I have reached a level of new beginning and becoming on my path. I had been walking my path with the energy of an adolescent, expecting it to simply be there as if I were on a moving sidewalk, and it would take me to where I wanted to go without my having to exert or expend any significant amount of energy. I recently began reading the book The Feminine Face of God, a work that explores the spiritual development of women. While reading, I came across a striking idea – a question and challenge each woman interviewed for the book faced during her spiritual journey: It is not enough to be a child of God, how do I become an adult of God?

The women in the book answered this question/challenge in numerous ways. I answered it by fully surrendering my Self to the Goddess without condition. I hadn’t realized it but before, I had only given my Self conditionally. I gave my Self if it meant that I didn’t have to experience fear or uncertainty, if everything in my life remained secure, if I received from Her what I wanted and needed, etc. But no relationship – particularly one with the Divine – can ever be fulfilling and whole if we do not give it everything we are without condition.

Since I have done that, I find my Self revitalized with new energy, an energy of beginning. An energy of wholeness. An energy of potential. Suddenly, it feels as though doors that had been closed to me can now be opened and will be when it is time. The blockage I felt surrounding me and closing in on me has disappeared. And I realize that what had been blocking me was myself.

One of the courses I’m taking this semester is Biopsychosocial aspects of addiction.  I have a group of assignments that entail attending various anonymous meetings such as AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), NA (Narcotics Anonymous), AL-ANON (for family members, friends, and relatives of alcoholics), etc.  Last week, I attended my first open-discussion NA meeting and was very moved by the discussion that took place and the members’ insights and contributions.

The topic was self-acceptance.  The NA literature discussed the addict’s general lack of self-acceptance and went so far as to elude to this inability to accept one’s Self as being a potential cause for addiction. I found this particularly intriguing as the medical model of addiction, from what I have learned thus far, does not make room for any type of psychological or social factors.  But beyond that piece, I was most touched by what the members themselves had to say regarding their struggle with self-acceptance.  They discussed not liking themselves, of having hidden behind their addiction or having used their addiction as a means of covering up “who they really were” because they were sure that if others truly knew them, they would be rejected.  As I sat listening, it occurred to me that this thought process is not unique to addicts.  True, covering who they are through using and abusing substances is specific to them, but the process of implementing any type of front or mask to protect ourselves from being vulnerable, from being hurt or rejected by those around us is, I think, a rather common occurrence.

One woman, though, expressed her struggle most concisely when facing the task of self-acceptance.  She said that basically, what she knows she has to do is to forgive herself for being human.  The idea of not being able to accept our Selves unless we are without blemish or imperfection seems to me a very patriarchal and Christian concept that has pervaded Western culture.  I think the struggle with self-acceptance is based, partly perhaps, on a dislike (at least) or an abhorration (at the other extreme) of traits, events, behaviors, or experiences.  I see the struggle as a complex battle between having placed immense negative value on those traits, events, behaviors, or experiences (or any combination therein) and of having them be associated with the Self.  We might think that if only we didn’t have them, that we would be better, more acceptable, more Love-able.  We begin focusing on them, dwelling on them at length so that they seem to grow, to eclipse all other aspects of our Selves, particularly our positive aspects.  They become stains on our identities, shackles weighing us down, burdening us and blinding us from seeing anything but them.  Dislike soon turns to hate and loathing, but things become so blurry by this point that we cannot differentiate those traits, events, behaviors, or experiences from the rest of our Self, and we conclude by judging our whole Self harshly.  It brings to mind several adages - throwing out the baby with the bath water, a few rotten apples that spoil the barrel (or however that one goes - you get the idea).

So what do we do?  How do we move forward and accept our Selves for everything that we are in order to progress toward self-Love?  I think the first step is to recognize that those negative aspects that we don’t like are just that - aspects, not the whole.  Why should they possess any greater significance than our positive aspects?  In every person, there is a blending of positive and negative.  It is important not to lose site of the positive simply because of the presence of what we consider negative.  Another important task is to gain perspective.  Few people walk through life without experiencing pain in some way, but focusing on the pain to the degree in which we cannot see anything else is not healthy or helpful.  We must use our pain and grow beyond it, put it into perspective.  Pain frequently comes with difficult lessons that we are to learn, and when we allow pain to eclipse the actual lesson, we lose the lesson and it will come around again, but the next time it will be harsher, more difficult, and messier.  A third task, and a rather difficult one, is to let go.  Letting go can mean releasing traits and/or behaviors that served us at one point but do not any longer.  Letting go can also mean to stop resisting the fact that we experienced certain events, recognizing that they need not define all of who and what we are, that we have control over defining who and what we are based on how we approach the story of our lives and our identities, and that we can always and at any point re-create and re-tell that story from a new perspective.

None of these steps toward self-acceptance and, subsequently, self-Love are easy.  Much of the time, walking them through requires de-programming of old and out-dated ideas, beliefs, and values, as well as great healing work.  And healing work is almost never easy.  But it is possible.

If you want to do the work to gain self-acceptance and self-Love (as it is ultimately your choice and your choice alone), I encourage you to persevere through the process and to hold on to the Hope that you can create and find the ending you desire.  Many blessings to you on your journey…

In a few conversations I’ve had recently the concept of self-Love has surfaced, and it’s held my attention. I’ve worked through some deprogramming to get to the point where I can say I love my Self, and I’ve been saddened by conversations recently with people I Love who do not Love themselves. I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books, Strands of Starlight by Gael Baudino, in which Terrill points out to Miriam, If I do not love myself I am saying that I am not worthy of the love of others. He also aptly comments on how the Church (and in my opinion, modern patriarchal society) does not encourage self-love.

When I examine the culture in which I live - Western society - I see two extremes as far as the possibility of love is concerned. On the one extreme is ego - a far cry from Love. Ego is centered all around doing and is therefore, from the offset, very conditional. It focuses on only receiving - or demanding - praise based on what one can accomplish. Ego is about power. It manipulates everything and everyone around it in order to feel better because in its deepest crevices, Ego knows it has no substance. It is empty and meaningless, leading away from wholeness and completion - two things that Love embodies and is.

On the other end of the spectrum is self-deprecation. I see self-deprecation as an illusory injury inflicted by the Church. Illusory because though the injury itself is real, what it is based on is not. I never understood why so much time I spent in church was dedicated to reminding god of how much I sucked. I figured, if god really was all powerful and all knowing, god didn’t need to be continually reminded of the fact that I wasn’t perfect. And why was lack of perfection synonymous with worthless? Where was the in-between? The middle ground? But no, the Church operates utilizing dichotomous thinking - there is no middle ground. All is black and white. Ironically, self-deprecation is all about doing as well, whether it’s not doing enough or doing things or having had experienced things that prevent receiving Love. So how are we supposed to love ourselves when we’ve been ingrained to think that if we’re not perfect, if we do not DO enough for others, or if we believe we have done, are doing things, or have experienced things that (incorrectly) lead us to believing we are undeserving of Love?

I think the idea that humans are incapable of Loving unconditionally is a myth handed down and regenerated year after year by the patriarchal society in which we live. I think we all have the potential to Love unconditionally, but I think that we will never truly be able to Love others fully if we cannot first Love ourselves. I do not Love myself because of what I can do or withhold Love from myself because of what I cannot do. Through the de-programming work I have worked hard to accomplish, I am able to say - without ego - I come from the Goddess, what is there not to Love? I am not perfect, I am not worthless. I am not done growing and changing and evolving, but I honor where I am, and I honor from where I have come. I am as I am.

 After sitting with this post overnight, I felt the need to edit/modify it.  It contained martyr energy that I’m choosing to let go of.  I hope I’ve done that in this revision…

 Growth has many faces, some prettier than others. As I walk along this path I tread, the Mama reminding me of how much I’ve grown, I suddenly began to question my growth. Recently, I discovered a dream I have that’s been hiding in the corners of my mind and heart that makes me feel as though I have not done as much growing as I had thought.  A dream that I’d been holding on to without realizing it.  When I cried out to the Mama in desperation and frustration and difficulty, She told me a story.

Once, there was a young woman named Aerolin. She was so consumed in her fire that she only saw what she wanted to the exclusion of all else. She was utterly incapable of seeing other perspectives. Then, slowly, she began to change. And what caused that change? Love, Mama, I answered. Yes, Love. Because Love is the biggest and greatest magick that exists. And soon, she found herself holding on to a dream she had previously refused to acknowledge. And she was able to see her circumstances from not only her own perspective but from the perspectives of everyone else involved. She knew that if her dream were to come true, it would cause pain to others. She did not want to cause anyone pain, and she felt guilty for having her dream. This, in and of itself, is not necessarily a good thing, but it is an improvement. It is growth. And how do I sit with all this, Mama? What do I do with it? The fact that you are sitting with it at all is growth. And that is a beautiful thing.

Though it doesn’t feel beautiful to me, I know there is wisdom in Her words. I know I wrote not long ago about celebrating my growth, but that was when I had no pictures to put on that canvas. So much of the time when we are growing, we only see how far we have to go, and we fail to recognize how far we have come. It is not easy to see that even baby steps can be victorious. As for my previous celebrating, it’s relatively easy to celebrate something abstract. But when the face of growth is not the face we had expected – when it is not what we would consider beautiful or even somewhat attractive – and when it is accompanied by images and thoughts of challenge, that celebrating becomes more difficult. Its beauty more elusive. It is difficult for me to celebrate right now. Especially because I know that if I am to continue growing, I don’t see how that dream can remain alive. And I feel as though I am at yet another crossroads. It isn’t that I don’t know which way I will go (I do) – it is that taking that step means letting go of that dream. And as far as I have come, I’m not quite ready to do that just yet. So instead, I stay here and sit and wait. And I breathe.

The past couple days have brought about some (more) changes. No, it doesn’t ever stop - life is certainly far from boring for me right now! As I think I’ve discussed previously, I was raised a conservative Christian. When I finally got the guts to start exploring Paganism and Witchcraft, I had to undergo massive de-programming and get rid of all the misconceptions, lies, and untruths that I had been taught and ingrained to believe. It was an extensive process of which the bulk took about a year to walk through, as I had never encountered a need to de-program before.

After an eye-opening discussion with dearest Tehlanna/Jade, I realized that the changes I’m facing and had labeled as ‘difficulties’ are just another period of de-programming that I’m encountering. It seems like such a simple observation when I type it out that way, so obvious. And yet it has taken a great deal of work to get here. And I most definitely could not have gotten here without some very amazing people in my life, these incredible teachers - Jade, signmom, and Draven. It is amazing how my perspective has shifted since approaching this part of the transformation I am undergoing as a time of de-programming. I think back to my previous experience and recall what it was like, recall intentionally wrapping myself around certain concepts and scrutinizing them, feeling them, probing them, tasting them, smelling them, and eventually discerning Truth from untruth. When I think of the idea that the ideas I am confronting now are deeply rooted in fear and are not an automatic, given Truth, I find myself relieved. Oh, thank Goddess, I say to my Self, I’ve just got a bunch of crap floating around up there that needs to be cleaned up and/or tossed out.

Another major difference I am feeling is a lack of resistance in this process. I feel calmer and much more comfortable flowing with this transformation. I think this is a direct consequence of the aforementioned epiphany. If what I am facing is not Truth, then why would I want to cling to it? Further, I am understanding the lack of need to cling to anything, which goes with the whole flowing thing. Since the Mama made it clear that She wasn’t going to let me do that this time (like She did during my first de-programming), I have stopped fighting to hold on to something. Till now, I found myself clinging to good days and feeling like a little kid in that I’d stomp my feet, whine and cry that all my days should be good days, damnit! And I have railed against the hard ones, sulking and sullen both, and wailing because I wasn’t getting my way.

So many changes crammed into such a small amount of time, so much growth. I don’t say that to sound conceited or arrogant or like I’m anywhere near done. Truly, I don’t think our growing ever stops (or at least I don’t think it should), but I have worked hard to get where I am right now. Over the past few days, the Mama has made it clear that I need to look at how far I’ve come and give myself a pat on the back for all my hard work. When I first heard this from Her, I breathed a sigh of relief - whoo! A breather! And I started to think of it as a pause in my journey, a brief pit stop. But then I realized that it wasn’t - this is still forward motion. It became clear to me how looking back to where we have come from is not a stop in the journey - it is a significant part of moving forward. I choose to celebrate how far I have come to get to this point!

Some times it feels like I come to my blog searching for something.  Searching for a means to express, reassurance or a kind word from one of you readers to brighten my day, something intangible that doesn’t have words to fill some need that cannot be described. And I come here today in search of something as well.

I’m reminded of that U2 song “Some days are better than others.”  Of all the U2 songs I’ve listened to, this one is certainly not a favorite, but the theme and title seems beyond apropos for this time in my life.   There are days, and I feel as though recently I’ve been encountering more of them, where I feel as though I am “making progress”, where I feel as though I am expanding my Self enough to be able to begin thinking about what it would be like to embrace this unknown future I am facing.  And then, seemingly out of nowhere, something happens or I just wake up and feel shitty.  And everything seems shadowy and I can’t find light anywhere and it’s cold and my hope, like the flame of a candle near a partially open window, starts to flicker.

And that started again last night.  It snuck up on me and caught me unaware by means of a medicine card reading (I recognize perhaps it shouldn’t have since I was asking what was going on, but it did nonetheless due to how different it felt from previous readings).  As I sat there reading the description of the cards in my book in utter confusion, I felt as though all of the sentiments I had expressed to the Mama several weeks ago (when it seemed as though She was saying I needed to grow beyond them), She was now pushing back in front of my face and affirming.  And I felt alone.  And it felt as though the map I had been holding to help me to get where the Mama told me She wanted me to go suddenly changed and was written in a new language with new symbols, and I can’t understand what any of it means.

That is what makes this time exhausting.  As soon as I feel as though I’ve found my footing - unsure and shaky though it may be - something happens and the floor moves or walls spring up where there were none, and I have stumbled and fallen yet again.  And I am yet again totally disoriented in a maze that shifts and moves on me.  Even the end of the maze moves locations and though I feel as though I had come within short sight of it once, I blinked and suddenly, it was in the exact opposite end of the maze from where I was standing.  And it feels as though I will never find my way out.

I have been struggling the past several days.  The Mama has been kickin’ my ass on just about every front that there is.  And it’s exhausting.  And I’m reminded of that Mother Teresa quote about knowing God would never give her more than she could handle but wishing he didn’t trust her so much.  But it’s not easy to keep that in mind when I feel beyond overwhelmed, scared, and like I cannot breathe because of the hard-ness of what I am walking through.  I am eternally grateful that my Beloved is here, walking through this with me no matter what it looks like, no matter how hard it gets.  But I wanted to share a conversation I had with the Mama yesterday.

I had gone up to see Her thinking I’d ask about one thing, and She of course directed the conversation back a few steps to discuss some more basic important matters.  She then proceeded to call me on my shit.  I have been wanting to grow - NOW - and fast and a lot but with entirely the wrong intention.  I have wanted to grow so I would be “better” than who and what I am right now.  So She pointed out a two year old and a four year old.  Can they do the same things?  No.  Right.  The four year old can think more complexly, has greater vocabulary, and can generally do more than the two year old.  Does that make the four year old better than the two year old?  Of course not.  Why?  Because the two year old isn’t supposed to be able to do those things yet - developmentally, those aren’t appropriate for the two year old.  Exactly.  (I love it when the Mama explains stuff in this kind of way to me.)

So now, She said, let’s talk about soul development.  Ohhh…I think I know where you’re going with this.  There are lots of people walking around who are at certain points in their soul development that are different than other people.  Some people are developmentally older and therefore can do more than others who are younger.   That doesn’t make them better and it doesn’t make the younger people worse.  No, Mama, you’re right.  And just like the two year old who runs around all crazy-like, is constantly asking questions, exercising their use of the word ‘no’, and being generally annoying at times, do you think the two year old is “bad” because she does this?  No - that’s what she’s supposed to do cause she’s two. Right.  So just like there are lots of people who are developmentally younger running around and maybe being annoying, it isn’t fair to think they’re worse because that’s what they’re doing.  That’s normal for where they are developmentally.

Now, let’s talk about you, She continued.   You want to grow NOW and  A LOT but you want to because you think that would make you better than who and what you are right now.  But, as we’ve already discussed, that’s not true.  No, Mama.  You don’t become someone else - someone better - when you grow.  You become MORE of your True Self.  And just because that True Self looks distinctly different from who you are right now doesn’t make it better, nor does it make you right now worse.  They’re just different.  Yes, Mama.

And in all seriousness, I haven’t been very fair with the Mama.  Yes, I want to grow Now and A Lot, but I seemed to have not taken into consideration that growing at any rate can be hard and painful, let alone growing fast and a lot.  So I’ve been bitching at Her when She’s just giving me exactly what I’ve been asking for.  Even if She did know I hadn’t taken the “hard” part into consideration.

So last night, I crawled up into Her lap again for a truce.   And She snuggled me all up and we talked.  And She reminded me of something signmom had said to me a while ago - that I had beautiful wings that I couldn’t even see yet.  And She told me that She was teaching me to fly.  And learning to fly isn’t easy. It usually entails a good bit of crashing as one gets accustomed to one’s wings and learns how to use them.  But I saw them when I was sitting with Her.  And they are incredible.  And I think about all the Hawks I’ve seen the past few months and how I’ve been enthralled with watching them, seeing how they just hover and float on the wind, swooping down or across with an angling of their wings.  And I dream of flying…

Yesterday started a 14 day abstinence project from all mood-altering substances (caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, various other drugs, etc.) for my Addictions class.   The various other drugs part doesn’t bother me a bit - haven’t touched anything in that realm for years.  Even the alcohol isn’t going to be a big deal since student budgets don’t provide a lot of cushion for luxuries like that.  The caffeine will be interesting.  I don’t intake a lot of caffeine.  I don’t drink sodas, I don’t eat a lot of chocolate, and I only have about 1-1 1/2 cups of coffee in the morning with breakfast.  I drink coffee more because I like the taste.  The added oomph is a bonus, sure, but not the main attraction.  Food does the same thing for me.  It’s the nicotine that sucks.

I had smoked on and off for several years beginning in late high school and for the first few years of college.  I had been cigarette-free for over a year when it came time to study for the GREs and write grad school applications.  I didn’t stay cigarette-free during that period, though, as perhaps only fellow smokers will understand, I didn’t get to the point of buying my own packs.  I’d just constantly bum off my upstairs neighbor who also happened to be my GRE/Grad school cheerleader.  I had been again smoke-free from June to mid-December.  Then my world started doing back-flips and aerials.

Something I’ve come to realize is that of all the coping mechanisms I have at my disposal (i.e., that I use), my very last-resort-holy-fuck-what-the-hell-is-going-on-I-have-no-idea-what-to-do-what-the-hell-is-happening?! coping mechanism is smoking.  When everything else is too big to swallow at once, too overwhelming, etc., that’s where I go.  I thoroughly enjoy smoking.  I think it’s 2 parts enjoyment, 2 parts calming, and 2 parts rebellion because when I’m faced with a situation so huge that I resort to smoking, chances are good that it’s going to be hard, it’s going to take a while to walk through, and I’m going to have to compromise to at least some degree, in some fashion, which means any little rebellion I can get at the same time makes me happy.   Also, I do some of my best contemplation over cigarettes, and in these such situations when I resort to smoking, that’s usually exceptionally handy.

Aside from some cravings yesterday, I was doing rather well until I got to my 4:30pm class when a monster headache started to devour my brain.  It was a nicotine headache mostly.  Thankfully, I had my oomphy amethyst with me and putting it on the back of my head from where the pain was emanating was helpful.  Class took forever to end.

And so now, I greet another morning.  Coffee-free, cigarette-free, only slightly cranky.  I suppose it’s kind of beside the point of the assignment to start counting down the days now, eh?

When signmom and I were together in December, we discussed over tarot the changes to come in our lives. I learned that this next period of time brings for me a complete transformation of my Self. When it is over my Self will be distinctly different than it is now and has been recently. And the Mama has made it clear to me that (ironically) She will not be giving me any indication of what these changes will mean, what they will look like in their entirety, and any other helpful bits of information that one would want to know when faced with such a situation. I am to walk blindly through this, trusting in Her to dance it out for me, with me, and completely embracing the medicine of Black Panther - the unknown.

This morning, as I was working with my medicine cards, I felt the need to get in touch with my recently re-drawn totems. The totem of the east which guards the path to illumination and my greatest spiritual challenges is Bat, the representative of rebirth. Seems fitting, no? In reading about Bat, one reads about shamanic death. A complete death of the former self in order to be reborn anew. I hadn’t put the two together recently, and after consulting my pendulum, it made it clear to me that this experience through which I am to walk blindly through is a shamanic death of sorts, or at least parallels it in energy (this is not to say I will be a shaman once this is over, it’s the process of the death part that I’m really referring to).

In the face of such a situation, myriad questions come to mind ranging from, “Why does this Self have to die?” to “What will my new Self look like?” (to which, I know that I am not supposed to know throughout the process which I find mildly irritating). I find my feelings vacillating from uncertainty, fear, heightened anxiety and anticipation, mild resentment (at the process, not the situation), and a sort of “Oh shit…” - the kind that I feel on a rollercoaster when the cars are climbing up the first mountain right before they plummet into who-knows-what. And it makes me want to scream at the Mama, but I know that it won’t do any good and now, more than ever, my energy is better spent elsewhere. It also feels as though in the midst of all of this, more than anything else, there is no room for fear. I think I would be okay with that if I were allowed to keep my fire in all of this, but the Mama has made it clear that in the months to come, my fire will be behind me, I will have no access to it. Fire is will, and I am left wondering how will I be able to move through this with my will, my force, not readily accessible. I am left with the remaining elements to work with, and I must find a way through this with them. I must draw on my Capricorn qualities of persistence, perceverence, and perhaps plain stubbornness as well as my intellect and what I Know, and my water, my emotionality - trusting in what I feel and what I know others involved feel to be constant no matter how much circumstances might make it seem illusory.

And it has already begun. It is hard and uncomfortable. And it will get harder. This is Kali. Long ago, I invited her to me, and this is what She does: wipes away at everything I would normally grasp at in the process of this Death of Self so that a new Me can be reborn.  She illuminates what is illusion and what is Real and then promptly destroys everything that is illusion so that only the Real is left standing.  She is a harsh teacher, and I am not an easy student.  Quite the pair we make together.  And as the illusions are getting wiped away, one thing is clear to me.  One thing I know is not illusory: my love for signmom and hers for me.