I have experienced loss throughout my life – loved ones dying, friends moving away, breaking up with friends, breaking up with boyfriends, being broken up with, etc. I think how we deal with loss illustrates a great deal about who we are. Some deny emotion, others wallow, some fluctuate back and forth between the two. Some eat, some drink, some cry, some shut themselves off from the world. We all grieve in our own ways, some of which are healthy, some not.
This evening, the man I love made it plain to me that he did not care for me as much as I did for him. He’d been second guessing our relationship for the past month, while giving me no indication anything was wrong. He seemed to stew in his emotions to the point where when I finally noticed something was not quite right (yesterday), he had already made up his mind as to what he would do. Discussion was no longer an option, explanation wasn’t going to help, and I no longer had a say in the status of our relationship. I attempted discussion all the same, as well as explanation, and he wavered in his stance and agreed my points were all valid. But in the end, amidst his asking half to himself, half to me, whether something was wrong with him, was he just trying to find fault with something great, saying that he loved me and didn’t want to hurt me, he caved. I told him that if he was going to break up with me to just do it cause it would be easier on me than drawing it out. So he did.
I am one of the strongest women I know in terms of being able to “handle” emotionally draining and difficult situations such as these. Comes from experiencing lots of situations like those above and just plain stubbornness. I was completely in love with this man. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Before him, there was one man who hurt me more than any man has ever hurt me or will ever hurt me, and in that situation, I experienced that sinking, hollowing, heavy feeling of caring for someone more than they care for you. I think it has to be one of the most horrible feelings ever. I had really been hoping that I wouldn’t ever experience it again, and yet, I have. I forgot just how emptying it feels.
I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything that happens has meaning. I believe that there are lessons we can learn from any experience. Unfortunately, in my life, it seems that those most valuable lessons are always accompanied by great pain and great loss. I don’t know what lesson I can learn from this specific situation, what meaning there is to draw from it. I know I will heal. Eventually. I had just really hoped that he would be “the one.” Now it’s just seeming like that one is never going to come around, and it requires summoning all the strength in my entire being to even begin to consider the possibility that I could be wrong. My eyes are puffy. My throat hurts. I can’t breathe properly through my nostrils. My head aches from crying. And I just want to scream all of my anguish out into the universe so that I will be completely exhausted and can rest and escape these feelings if only for a brief moment in sleep, but when I go to scream, my voice gets caught up in the very anguish I’m trying to express and no sound comes out save that of labored breathing, gasps, sobbing, and heaving.
I will go to work tomorrow. I will more than likely not get a damn thing done and be bitter that I have to be there at all, but I have no vacation time left, so I have no choice. I will try, mostly unsuccessfully, to focus on the other massive source of stress in my life right now: everything I need to take care of to begin grad school in about a month. In a different state. I will inevitably tell this story more times than I’d care to. I will get wonderful emails and messages from my close friends who shared in my excitement when this relationship began and are always there to help me pick up the pieces when things fall apart. I will be more grateful than I can express that I have those friends. I will probably cry a few more times tomorrow when I start to realize all the things I am going to miss about him. I will stop by his house after work and drop off his graduation present (because I wouldn’t want it anyway) and his book, t-shirt, toothbrush, and shower gel, and I will listen when he says he is sorry. I will say I am sorry, too (that this has happened). I will add that he will be even more sorry when he realizes what he has given up. I will fly down to school for orientation next week. I will somehow figure out how I am going to move next month. I will begin classes. I will continue to think about him. I will begin to put this into perspective. And eventually, one day will come when I will no longer feel anything about this, and I will identify the meaning that all of this has. I will grow and I will become a stronger woman because of it.
But right now, I just want to curl up in my bed, shut the rest of the world out and cry.