I had just gotten home from work last night and was getting ready to go to my usual happy hour to meet my upstairs neighbor, when I checked my cell phone and saw I had a text message. Ex-boyfriend was at the bar sitting on the patio. I had a rather violent reaction of, “That bastard! That’s my bar, damnit!” So I took my neighbor’s advice, put on a sexy top and went over there. I didn’t look for him on the patio, but rather kept my eyes on the door to the entrance and a very normal look on my face. When I got inside, I was shaking. My neighbor assured me my reaction was normal – it was a territorial thing. And we proceeded to drink beer and fantasize about kicking his ass.
After I got home from happy hour (only 2 beers – go me), I hung out for a bit and then went out to the store to get a few things. I treated myself to a new movie – “The Rock”, which I love. Anger in situations like these is like a drug in that it’s a sort of high. But coming down is rough. I am not aggressive and spiteful, and I can’t maintain that attitude for long without feeling like it’s eating away at me. And when I did come down last night, I just felt empty. I started to think about all the things I really liked about Ex-boyfriend that I will miss. There was something about not returning his things to him that bothered me. I was fine with throwing out his toothbrush and shower poof, but the other few items…no. I had no problem NOT giving him the present I’d bought for him for graduation, but his things – there was something there. I was at a tug-of-war with myself over wanting to see him and not wanting to see him, though realizing not seeing him would probably be best. I decided before I went to bed that I would get up early before I know he would leave for Philly and I would drive over and leave his book, t-shirt, and body wash in a bag on his porch. No note, nothing else.
This morning, when I got up to do all this, the feeling and energy that surrounded me was very somber. Like I was taking flowers to put on a grave. Saying my final goodbye. I got out to my car, unlocked it, got inside, and was setting the bag down on the passenger seat when I saw something on my windshield. I got out. A long, beautiful peacock feather was laying across my windshield tucked into one of my wipers. I picked it up and held it then got back into the car. The feather sat beside me as I drove to his house and my heart ached a little more because of it, but it made my task that morning all the more necessary. I pulled up to his place and saw his dad’s truck out in front, but Ex-boyfriend’s car wasn’t there. I don’t know if his dad drove his car back yesterday leaving him the truck for the last of his things, if Ex-boyfriend had just driven to go out last night and slept somewhere else and hadn’t come home yet or what. It didn’t matter. I just hoped he would get his bag of stuff. I left it on the porch, walked back to my car, got in and drove home. I went back to bed after getting home.
It wasn’t until I was talking to a close friend later today that I was able to articulate just why I had to make that drive this morning. I had to voluntarily give back what was his and voluntarily get it out of my life. The break-up had been his idea, but I had to commit some sort of action to be in accord, for my own peace. Now, I could have thrown his stuff out to get it out of my life, but what was important for me was the closure. Me giving back his things was my way of closing the circle that was ‘us’ in a peaceful way – restoring some semblance of balance. Not an action filled with anger, frustration, or animosity.
We are at very different places in terms of our personal evolution, our personal development. I know he loved me, and in loving me, he was straddling two developmental spaces. Unfortunately, he was not able to take that leap to the higher space and opted to remain where he’d been. I know that doesn’t detract from his feelings for me. I’m not sure if understanding this makes it harder or easier.