I’ve been feeling off today. I’m not sure if it’s PMS, stress in light of all that I need to do for school before the semester ends, or something else. While the first two items in that list are relevant, I lean toward the something else. I stopped studying for the night and felt like I should meditate or do “something spiritual”, but I lacked motivation even for that and was confused about where to start or what to do. I felt frustrated at not knowing. I feel like I opened something within myself over the past couple days and now I am no longer who I was, and there’s a sense of dis-ease (not to be confused with disease) in light of that. I feel like I am currently not myself, though it is not my old self that I am missing – it is a different version of me that I have not experienced in this life for which I now ache. I am searching for something (maybe that other self), but like in a dream where everything seems to slip out of reach as soon as one extends a hand out, I cannot fully articulate what it is that I am so desperately searching for which only causes those feelings of frustration to increase. And in increasing I feel like I am pushed further away from reaching what it is I want.
I looked to Strands to help guide me. In doing so, I opened to the page where Mirya and Terrill are fighting and she finally gives herself to the starlight vision. Terrill explains when they finish that he had wanted her to lose her fear of giving herself. When my eyes read over the words, it was as though they were in bold print. Throughout Mirya’s progression of change, she expresses a fear of losing herself. I remember Terrill making an eloquent point that I think I should keep in mind: when he gives himself to the starlight, so does it surrender to him. There is something in me that knows I need to commit this act of surrender in order to grow into what it is I am meant to become, and yet, I have no idea as to how to go about giving myself. To what or whom am I giving myself? How do I do it? Am I capable of doing so? Will I lose myself? And even as I pose these questions, something inside me assures me that I will not be lost. I will be me, only different. I find myself longing for an explanation, some type of guidance.
There were several instances today in which I caught a glimpse of familiarity of that which I am not yet in this life. The first one, I think, occurred when I was in the clubhouse with my laptop. A young African American girl came in and began watching cartoons. As is typical of me, I became easily distracted and found my attention wandering to the TV. She periodically looked back at me, and we continually smiled at each other. There was something magickal in her eyes. The other instances were on another study break during which I made a trip to the grocery store. I was walking in and a man and woman were walking out. The woman almost ran into me, as I was walking more along the left side of the door. I smiled reassuringly at her. She smiled back warmly. I can’t remember if I said anything. I also saw a Latino male-female couple while in the store who I smiled at. There were others, as well. Everyone I smiled at today smiled back, and when they did, they radiated beauty and wholeness. Seeing that beauty and wholeness was a powerful experience. I felt more like myself, more comfortable when I identified it and shared that experience with them. I yearn to superimpose that feeling on my entire existence – fleeting instances are not adequate.
So now what? I hear a familiar, yet distant voice posing questions. It is my voice, but also other. How much do I really want this? How will my actions prove that I seek it as desperately as I claim?