Yesterday I found out that I will not be the recipient of the out of state waiver for this coming fall semester which means, unless I can find something – some means of getting in-state tuition – my tuition bill due on August 10th will be about $14,000. For a single semester of school. Does that seem absolutely ludicrous to anyone but me? Damn capitalist America. Needless to say, I had a moment with myself akin to feeling like I was wrapped up in a big blanket and someone came and yanked it away leaving me standing there naked. Not in the embarrassment sense, but in the, ‘Oh shit – now what do I do?’ sense. And in the sense of feeling very vulnerable. I knew, even in the midst of that intense emotion, that something would work out. The Universe hasn’t brought me this far to just leave me on the side of the road now, but it was the not knowing and not seeing how it could work out that weighed on me.
I planned to research scholarship opportunities, I decided to go in to school early today to speak with the people in financial aid to see what my options were, I told myself I would speak again with a professor I’d spoken to previously about an assistantship (either with him or anyone else). And while my plan was in tact, it didn’t provide any real reassurance. My meeting with the financial aid office was not encouraging, offering either an additional federal loan whose interest rate was 8.5% or advising me to seek a private loan. Since I have been contemplating grad school and have entered the wonderful world of financial aid, I have vowed to myself that I will not get any personal loans to cover school.
I headed back to the building where my department is located. Hesitantly, I knocked on the door of my professor, not expecting him to be there. “Come in.” I had previously told him about my desperate need to find something if I didn’t get the waiver, and I was coming back to him, essentially pleading for some sort of assistance. I told him of not receiving the waiver, of trying to find a GRA unsuccessfully, of the loan predicament. I asked if he knew if any of the other faculty had a position open – even just a partial – or if he had anything. He eventually explained that the student he had lined up to fill one of his positions was doing it as a partial, and he had another one left. I think I must have asked for it or looked at him in such a way that he told me we could maybe work it out. He needed to see what kinds of projects he was working with and talk to her, but then the three of us could maybe sit down together. I breathed a mini sigh of relief.
I’ve been working on trusting the Universe more with my life, and if I were to assess how I did and how I’m doing during this little hiccup within my plans, I think I’m doing pretty well given that it wasn’t too long ago I would have completely melted down. But it still throws me. I still get frantic and reach out for something to hold on to that will provide some safety. Perhaps instead of reaching out, though, I should be reaching in. What is inside seems far more valuable than anything I could get a hold of on the outside.
I’ve had a number of girl friends come to me after or during nasty break ups with boyfriends, ask me for advice, promptly ignore all of it, and marvel at how strong I am when I tell them of my previous experiences. I try to tell them that strength is an odd sort of thing in that in order to grow it, you need to practice it. It’s like a muscle – it needs to be used in order for it to build up to the point where using it becomes second nature and effective. I think that trusting – the Universe and one’s self – is the same. The more we do it, the easier it is to do.
This morning’s medicine card was turtle – Mother Earth. Turtle to me signifies, among several things, the Great Goddess, the Great Mother. Because my spirituality is feminine-focused and mystical in nature, it also speaks to me of magick. So, while I continue to trust myself in that this situation will work out, and I will be stronger for having lived it, and while I continue to trust the Universe in that this is all part of a large mosaic in which I can find great meaning, I think I’ll give the Universe a little hand to help tip the balance in my favor… 😉