I’m finding myself these past couple days feeling simultaneously surging with creativity too much to be able to funnel it into coherent thoughts and needing to use that energy to finish up my first semester of school. I also feel like after reading Venus for a Day, everything is still sinking and settling in. There are books that change our lives, and this one was one of those for me. I notice I am in the process of integrating it into my being and my living. Little shifts are taking place within my consciousness. The actual reading of the book was a finite event (and one I will no doubt return to again and again as I do with all my favorite books), but the ripples across the pond will continue to stretch and reach, I think, for a long while to come.
Things are brighter, more alive. I am no longer just living life, I am feeling life, moving within life, undulating and coursing, I am being in a way I have never been before. Not in this life. And in all of this, I am sensing where I need to make alterations within my self, what I need to do to be more fully.
One of the main issues that has come to my attention is that of resistance. Resistance is something I do very well and have done for a long time. I am an expert at fighting. Not fighting other people, per se (though I do take kickboxing and am itching to get back to karate), but fighting my self, my emotions, the situations in which I find my self. So much of my energy in the (very recent) past has been spent railing against situations I experienced. Over the past several days, I have been consciously telling myself NOT to resist. Can’t connect to the internet? Do something else. Sitting in traffic? Take some time to breathe and reflect on my day. Obviously, these are the more mundane sides of resistance, but it’s often where resistance starts. In thinking more about when I resist, recent times when I have come to mind.
I had a rather rough morning the other week. I had just realized everything I needed to do before the semester ended and was feeling amazingly overwhelmed. But, I got to a place where I had all my spinning plates balanced in the air, atop my mountain top where there was only room enough for my feet when the Universe took a proverbial finger and gave me the tiniest of pushes in the form of a crappy morning. In the middle of the crappiness was an angel who reached out to me. An unknown woman who offered me kindness and unnecessary assistance on her part. Unfortunately, I was so busy fighting the existence of my crappy morning that, despite thanking her profusely, I buried her kindness under my frustration, anger, and general emotional upheaval. Even after I made it into town and was safely in my class, I could not calm down. Because I was still fighting. Fighting what had happened that should have been over with completely.
And while all of these changes are going on in my life that are for the very good, I find myself itching to share them with people who are experiencing similar life changes. I think of foxchild’s post on community, and realize my longing for it has become much stronger. And it will be realized…somehow. I’m just not sure how at the moment.