I came to a startling conclusion the other day brought on by a situation that I’ve never quite managed to grasp: someone I don’t know very well expressing romantic interest in me. Here’s a little background: the day I arrived in Savannah to visit my parents, my dad and I went out to his work (he’s a chef) to pick up some beef tenderloin from the kitchen, and I got to meet everybody with whom he works. He was brought in as sous chef (though he’s been an executive chef for over 30 yrs) when the head chef went on medical leave. It was the former sous chef-now Acting Head Chef (who I found out is 37) whose attention I apparently caught. I met about 10-15 people probably, not saying more than 10 words to any of them other than ‘Hi, it’s nice to meet you’. My dad and I left and that was that. But not.
The next day, I think, I get a call from my dad asking me if I’d like to go out with Acting Head Chef. I was caught so off guard, I think I just said, What? The ensuing conversation was probably a funny one to anyone listening in, as I just kept stammering ‘what’ and ‘what do you mean’ while my dad assured me AHC was not proposing marriage – just a night out. He (my dad) had wanted to make sure it was okay with me before he gave my number to AHC. Eventually, I said ‘ok’ and hung up quite confused.
I sat on the couch where I’d been re-reading Harry Potter from the beginning (that first book really is a bit slow) and turned my confusion over and over in my head. I’ve worked in kitchens for years. While I don’t agree with stereotyping, it’s generally good to be cautious when considering chefs or cooks. I realized that I didn’t expect a chef/cook to be able to understand me, accept me, or be a good match for me. And that very well might be an unfair judgment – I can own that. But then something else hit me that I hadn’t expected. I feel like I’ve become so particular that my chances of finding someone who would understand me, would accept me, would be a good match for me are slim to none. I had felt this way before but experienced what seems to have been a momentary lapse of this type of consciousness and I had become either secure in the fact that it would happen or just apathetic. Either way, those sentiments were gone, largely, I think due to the spiritual growing I’ve done recently that has opened my awareness and deepened my senses to a place where, let’s face it, most men in their mid 20s to early 30s are not. And it’s not even that they’d need to be at the same place or the same as me, but I think they would need to be able to grasp the possibility of it and understand it to a degree.
My problem here is not self-esteem, in case you hadn’t noticed. I have a healthy self esteem. I think I have many positive qualities and I’m still aware of my weaknesses to keep me from getting cocky. My problem is that I don’t think that there are many men who are capable of perceiving these positive qualities. When I realized that, I had to laugh to myself because it sounds so damn egotistical. And then I saw how this could easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy: if I don’t think it’s possible for men to perceive all I have to offer, how could it ever happen?
That’s about where I am now. I’m not sure what to do with this yet. Still processing…