I didn’t do much yesterday other than reread Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and eat. It was a “give my brain the day off” day. I find that I need those every once in a while. But as the evening grew my thoughts became all abuzz with heightened activity, and I started writing. There was an excitement in the air that I felt I needed to capture somehow. I sensed that something was different now. As I journaled about the past week and processed everything that had happened and was happening, I drew my awareness in to myself and noted what felt almost like a physiological change. But it wasn’t physiological. Though, it was clear that something in my inner make up was very different. Was more fluid almost. I tried to figure out when this change had begun and my thoughts immediately went back to the ideas that had sparked my previous post here. It was when I had seen – truly seen – the Patriarchy.
I began to see that my identity was, once more, experiencing a major shift. This time, I know, I am beginning to understand what it really means to be a woman. My thoughts leaped back to models of identity development, and I easily identified where I was. It was at this point that the situation became a little odd. I was intellectualizing my own shift in identity. I realize that this entire blog seems to be oriented toward that task, but that’s not entirely true. I struggled for a moment and it became obvious to me that being able to intellectualize something can be very dangerous. I think it can actually prohibit growth and development. I think that’s one of the many problems adults face and one of the many reasons they stop growing as people – they can explain it away. And so now I find myself questioning, How do I stop myself from examining my life right now under a microscope but still maintain a level of introspection and reflection about what I’m experiencing?
One thing seems certain. The feeling that overwhelmed me last night when I first began writing was that of heading in the right direction. It was a clicking, a coming together of energy that felt good, that I knew intuitively was necessary for me to have in order to go where I need to go and do what it is I’m supposed to do.