Today made something very clear to me: I am completely out of sorts right now. After booking my flight for a conference in VA for the same weekend I had already bought tickets for a conference with the Dalai Lama here in Atlanta and a whole host of other absent-minded things I’ve done recently that, ironically, I can’t remember right now except for commenting on the wrong post on a new blog I found (Caroline – my comment was supposed to be to the women’s language post!), it hit me when we ‘checked in’ during my group counseling class today. It felt like treading water and getting very tired. Also, I’ve been having headaches for the past week or so (my stress always manifests in some somatic way).
I think that my frazzled feeling has multiple roots. First, school. I only have class on Mondays and Tuesdays (3 classes total). That means 3 other days of the week with little to no structure, aside from kickboxing and jujitsu classes, which seem more to throw my schedule off than help organize it. I am the kind of person who needs structure. Hard core. If I don’t have it, I have no idea how to spend my time or organize it. So, I spend it sleeping in, reading for fun, and doing a whole mess of other things that, while they might be good for the soul, are bad for the GPA. Structure grounds me. Add to the schedule my new assistantship which is just about entirely independent work (again, on a scholastic level, bad for me), and I’m just floundering. It doesn’t help that two books for one of my classes were late in arriving so I have a ton of catching up reading to do.
So, I’ve got real life, annoying practical shit going on and then I’ve got awesome life-shattering-and-rebuilding spiritual stuff going on. Since the latter is far more interesting, and I’d rather spend time musing about it, I find myself dreaming of hogans in Native American villages (though, to be honest, I don’t quite know what a hogan is, but they were mentioned in 100 ways, and it sounded really lovely – complete with a Great Mother, of course). I feel like I am just reaching a new level in my spiritual development, and I wish I had no obligations other than to nurture that but I can’t. Mother Wintermoon over at Romancing the Crone recently posted about metamorphing, and I see myself as the newly reborn butterfly that has just eaten her chrysalis (and is consequently rather full and a little bloated feeling) and is eagerly drying her wings in the sun, but overanxious to fly so she’s just stumbling around on some tree branch.
The result of not being able to devote concentrated attention to either of these areas leaves me feeling murky, blocked and imbalanced in both, which is really frustrating. I’m trying to figure out a way to sort myself out, and I think it needs to begin with organizing my life in the practical sense. If my classes won’t impose structure on me, I need to impose it on myself. I need to look at my schedule and block off study times for each class as well as my GRA, I need to look at my syllabi for upcoming bigger assignments and start planning, and I think I need to cut out one of my kickboxing classes from my schedule at least until I have this under control again.
As for the spiritual side, I need to get back into doing my twice daily meditations. I also recalled part of a previous life recently that I have felt my entire life but didn’t have as many details on until the past few weeks. In this life, I ran into a major conflict in that I completely abused my power in a loss of control and deeply wounded my soul in the process. Also, I get the feeling that the repercussions taken against me were severe. Since then, I’ve had major issues with control – never quite able to find the right balance – and have shackled that memory and life’s experience to me as a reminder. I feel as though I need to figure out what control really is. I realize now that there is a time for both holding on to control and letting go, and while I have a better idea of which to do when, it’s still not terribly clear and the lifetimes of locking myself down feels like it’s made me not remember how to healthily let go of control. I feel like my jumping off point needs to first be compassion for my previous self in understanding my mistake committed in ignorance, though I wish I knew more about that life to put it into better context so as to understand it more fully. I think that all of this translates into sitting on that branch in the sun, drying my wings, and getting my bearings around myself before flying off on adventures…
Perhaps that’s what I will focus on this weekend when celebrating Mabon…in between study sessions, of course.