About a month ago, I was sexually assaulted. The experience turned out to be a bizarre blessing in disguise as my reflections on it and processing of it have led me to new depths and deepened spirituality. The other day, I received an e-card from my assailant expressing how it’s still bothering him and apologizing again (he had already done so in an email a day or two after it happened). Sit with that for a minute.
If your reaction was anything like mine, your jaw dropped and the first words that came out of your mouth were “Are you fucking kidding me?!” An e-card. A fucking cheesy-ass, free, 1-2-3 Greetings e-card complete with cheesy-ass music. To be honest, I’m not quite sure where to begin to talk about the many, many things wrong with this situation. For starters, I’ll say that it only confirms my suspicions that he is in need of serious, professional psychological assistance.
I’m still processing this (read: this post will be very stream-of-consciousness and consequently a bit incoherent). Initially, the emotion I experienced and then immediately resisted was rage. Un-diluted, full-blown, boiling over fury. And to be honest, I haven’t let myself fully experience it. I laughed at the absurdity of it all. Hysterically. (caveat: in counseling, we talk about incongruence where there is some discrepancy between what one feels and says or feels and does or says and does, etc. One of the most common incongruencies is laughing when you’d rather scream/rage or cry. People do it all the time – now that I’ve told you this, you’ll find yourself laughing inappropriately all over the place. We do it because processing the emotion we are really feeling is too hard, we think it would be inappropriate or wrong, or we’re generally afraid of what might happen if we do let ourselves feel whatever it is we’re resisting feeling) Why? Because I kept trying to figure out how it fit in to the ideology of everyone being One that I’ve embraced. I was so happy to get to this new place spiritually that I didn’t know what to do with this feeling of rage and I thought that if I let myself experience it, I would regress. It didn’t feel like my rage fit. I felt like I had to choose one or the other.
I’ve gone on this tirade about how the reason why there is such ugliness in the world is because we have misunderstood our darker side and tried to separate ourselves from it. The universe needs this balance, so the end result is that darkness taking on a whole physical form of its own which just makes the world all the more hurt, not healed. And yet (and I’m just realizing this as I write this and grinning to myself in recognition as I stare up at the misty moon), by separating myself from the rage I am feeling toward this person’s actions, I am not helping heal the world and reunite it at all! I’m just perpetuating the cycle! The cycle that is the heart of The Patriarchy.
My wise friend foxchild realized that I had not processed all of this when we spoke about it a day or two ago. I imagine the expression on her face was one of concern as I laughed about this and allowed myself to say, at most, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! This is absurd!” She had told me yesterday I think when I had intentionally stopped myself from swearing (it really did happen -I promise) that swearing can be really good for the soul. It allows us to release deep emotions that have little other way of being so potently expressed. And in releasing those emotions, we allow ourselves to feel them, to live in them, taste them, honor them – whatever they are. In light of that…to my assailant:
You are a fucking sick-ass bastard if you think that sending me a fucking e-card exonerates you from your pathetically based and fucked-up attempt at controlling me and making yourself feel better about the sick fuck you are. You think you could ever really dominate me?! ME?! Me who carries within me the essence of The Supreme Goddess, The Creatrix, The Queen Of Heaven, She Who Was Before All That Is, The Destroyer, The Dark Mother, She Who Makes The Earth Tremble And The Seas Rage, She Who Is Knowing, She Who Is Reborn Of The Flame, SHE.
You sad, pathetic excuse of a man. You know nothing. You are emptiness and meaninglessness. You are the meager and pitiful product squeezed out of the anus of the Patriarchy. AND YOUR TIME IS OVER.