Channeling Zola

I realized recently that I’ve been holding on to some very potent anger and frustration.  I’ve been carrying it around with me, dragging the shackles of my unresolved rage, and in doing so, keeping myself prisoner.  My warden?  The Church.  In ignoring my serious issues with the Church, I have been prohibiting myself from growing further. That stops now.

One of the major lessons I’ve learned recently is the value of embracing my emotions – whatever they are.  Society teaches us that our emotions are a weakness, and it abhors them – especially in women.  I say our emotions are a source of power.  Through embracing them, we release ourselves of the power they hold over us when we ignore them and then we can move on.  I’m moving on, but in order to do so, I relinquish this.

Disclaimer: I am going to offend some of you who are reading this.  I guarantee it.  I am speaking from my own experience and my personal thoughts, perceptions, and feelings regarding the Church (note I did not say Christianity).  I am speaking from my soul.  And what it’s got to say is very raw.  All this is to say that unless you comment to agree with me and/or share in my expression of emotion, don’t expect to see your comment show up. 

Church, you are fucked up.  Way back when you were an itty-bitty little thing just taking shape and hanging with JC, you had it made.  You had your god right there with you.  But no – he was too difficult to understand because even then, Seeds of the Church, you wanted it to be simple.  You wanted black and white, nice little boxes and compartments to fit everything into.  The spirituality he offered you was too vast, too boundless, too overwhelming for you because you cannot stand to not be in control and what he was offering was a surrender you couldn’t wrap yourselves around.  But guess what?  You cannot control spirituality.  You’re not supposed to be able to.  So after he died, you brought “order” to the whole thing and in doing so, you ruined it forever.  You enabled people to stay in their narrow-minded little boxes.  You encouraged their tunnel vision.  You translated and re-translated holy words like a children’s game of ‘telephone’, bastardizing each one more and more until they were your words.  Your ideas. You politicized Spirit.  Do you realize how fucked up that is?  You turned Spirit into a fucking political arena and in doing so, you put a cap on people’s spiritual development.  And because along with your problem of needing to control everything and label it neatly to fit into your pea-sized brain, you also had a serious issue with responsibility, so you magnified a deity so you could all blame your problems on it.  Everything that goes wrong is Satan’s fault.  I think the part I like best, though, is your attempts to box everyone in when it comes to this responsibility thing that if they didn’t emphasize Satan’s importance (kind of ironic really – I think you might emphasize Satan more so than your own God), then that was Satan’s fault, too.  “Satan’s greatest trick was making the world think he doesn’t exist…” If that isn’t the biggest load of stinking shit I have ever heard, I don’t know what is.  What is your fucking problem with taking some damn responsibility?  You’re not fucking perfect.  And I know you know this because you make your “believers” self-deprecate until they’re blue in the face.  So what the hell is the fucking problem with accepting some blame?  You who want to control everything and everyone refuse to acknowledge that you yourselves are in control of at least your own person.  This is the most convoluted type of thinking I have come across in a while.

You set the bar impossibly high (I should know – I used to try to reach it) when that’s not what your god even talked about.  You hardly bear any resemblance to the spirituality your god first gave to you.  You warn and scold people who try to attain ‘equality with god’ – it’s in your fucking sacred writings – and yet, what have you done in rewriting the spirituality given to you but exactly that?  You are a sad, pathetic, alcoholic father to the masses, lumbering around drunk and dangerous in complete denial of who and what you are, and you’re ruining people’s lives in the process.  Everything is extreme with you.  You acknowledge people are not perfect, but instead of leaving it at that and just dealing, you dwell on it and flagellate, deprecate, and punish yourself.  And you insist on people taking this stance.  Fucking get over it already. 

And you are the biggest hypocrites of all.  Your god preached peace, mercy, compassion, and forgiveness.  So what do you do?  You start wars in his name.  You ignore the fucking holocaust until the time finally comes when you can’t pretend any longer.  Then you make a half-assed apology to an entire race of people, to entire populations.  Oops – our bad.  Our head was stuck so far up our own asses because hey – it wasn’t our problem.  We weren’t the ones being carried off to the gas chambers, so why should we pay attention?  You propagate the idea that one your own god’s closest followers was a prostitute and a whore because you’re completely uncomfortable with anything feminine only to acknowledge several thousand years later that oh yeah – she actually wasn’t.  And you make sure to whisper that softly enough so that most people don’t even hear it.  Which brings us to your hatred of the feminine.

You, Church, are a pathetic, scared, meager little excuse of a man with a small penis, erectile dysfunction and a nasty inferiority complex.  And you brought it all on yourself.  You are so damn insecure that you felt the need to squash and destroy anything around you that was strong, that had beauty, that saw differently than you.  And who was it that saw the most differently from you?  Women.  Women have always been more in touch with Spirit than men, listening to their intuition which is the voice of Spirit.  Women can be both strong and soft.  They can protect and feel.  And you, having sprung from the ejaculate of men, are weak.  You see only one side.  So what do you do?  You emphasize that which you are and condemn that which you actually aspire to – what you wish you could be.  You wish you could have the depth of woman, and so you lash out against her, destroy her, rape her, dominate her – and all in the supposed name of your god.  You think that because he came to earth as a man that only men are significant.  You fucking moron.  Like your god could have incarnated in its true essence – essence that is both male and female and yet more than both.  And hello?!  Um, it’s called cultural context.  If your god had come to the world as a woman during that time?!  At a time when women were long oppressed by the patriarchy under which you apprenticed?  A time when women were at roughly the same level as dogs?  As other forms of property?  NO WONDER YOU’RE SO FUCKED UP – you were born during that time.  Weren’t much of a thinker, were you?  A product of the time that, instead of questioning (because let’s face it – you’ve never been big on that) the world around you, you simply took it as is because it suited you.  Selfish, narcissistic bastard.  But your time is coming to an end.  Oh, sure, you’ll put up a good fight.  Wouldn’t surprise me if you went so far as to condone genital mutilation.  You are a wounded animal, you are backed into a corner – members of your own pack have already left you because they actually began to think for themselves and realized what worthless trash you are.  You are being abandoned.

And now, it’s time for your indictment.

Church, I accuse you of the stunted spiritual development of most of the world.  I accuse you of the continued oppression and defamation of women the world over.  I accuse you of billions of murders.  I accuse you of billions of rapes.  I accuse you of embezzlement.  I accuse you of treachery.  I accuse you of theft of spirit of people all over the world.  I accuse you of betrayal of the very people who come to you in earnest, seeking guidance and answers.  I accuse you of poisoning the world population with your hypocrisy, deceit, and denial.  I accuse you of torture.  I accuse you of infinite crimes against humanity.  I accuse you of terrorism of the soul.  I accuse you of kidnapping hope, faith, and love and locking them away from your adherents.  I accuse you of polluting the world with your toxicity.  I accuse you of perpetuating ignorance.  I accuse you of leading the world astray – far from the Spirit that is them.

Church, it’s you and me.  It is very personal.  You lied to me.  You led me to believe that I was incapable of finding my own answers.  You led me to depend on you, rely on you for everything.  You manipulated me.  You told me that you were the only thing that could “control” me; you deceived me into thinking I needed to be controlled.  You imprisoned my soul for 23 years that I cannot ever get back.  You shackled me in doubt and forced me to deprecate and deny myself. You hid my self from me.  You hid my divine inheritance from me.  You hid my Mother from me.  You defiled my Mother.  You raped her and murdered her again and again in front of my eyes.

I HATE YOU.

With every cell in my body, I despise you.  I spit upon you.  And now, I am going to cause you more pain than you could ever possibly cause me.  I am going to finally free myself of you and let you go.  You will never touch me or hurt me again.  From this point onward, you will be as nothing to me.

You are nothing.

Your sentence is this: you are to die a slow, torturous and agonizing death by means of feeling the pain which you have caused every person you have ever hurt, fully cognizant, fully aware, completely paralyzed, wallowing in the filth of your own stench and decay until you plead like a babe for its mother for Death to take you into its cold embrace and relinquish you from this existence.  You are never ever to return.

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3 thoughts on “Channeling Zola

  1. The church has never helped anyone find the divine within themselves. They only created a power outside of us to make us fear and to keep us from realizing who we are.

  2. ((( Aerolin ))) Now I sort of wish I hadn’t deleted my previous blog, the13Graces, so you could read the posts I wrote about my own journey out of the Church and way from mainstream Christianity 6 years ago. I was in ministry at that time…

    I want you to know that I honor your anger. I honor the pain within you that gave birth to that anger. I GET you, at the deepest part of me. I, too, have some ‘issues’ with the church to reconcile at some point…but I’ve come along way. I’m not longer angry. I’ve come to a place of forgiveness. And I can actually embrace and celebrate my experiences now for the wisdom and FREEDOM that they created in my life. I would have never explored out of the box had it not been for those exact experiences. I would never have been willing to let go of the fear that was indoctrinated into me – so that I could embrace the beauty of GOD in all It’s magnificent forms.

    ((( Aerolin ))) Sending love your way!

  3. gf – I honor the pain you express.

    Grace, thank you. Thank you for honoring my pain and understanding it. I knew that I needed to express this and release it from my soul in order to reach the point where I can forgive and truly let go. I gratefully accept the love you send and return it to you ten-fold!

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