Yesterday I ran smack into a wall. Not literally, though I cried enough afterward that I had one of those pounding headaches and it felt literal. Why is that, by the way? Why does crying a lot give you a headache? Something else I was wondering – does crying a lot dehydrate you? I mean, with all the water and sodium leaving your body and all?
Anyway, my wall had to do with needing to give myself permission to just be me and valuing me at that. I realized that I have only really valued myself if I can be significantly different, distinguished, or better than others on some level. As a result, I’ve always competed with others for love or esteem and never truly valued myself just as I am. And seeing that within myself was deadening. I felt empty and meaningless. Thankfully, a dear friend was there to hold my hand and sit with me in my darkness and find my inner-light.
Yesterday before my mini-breakdown, I had had another amazing conversation with someone who has shown me such support that it rocks my world. I was filled with the idea of dancing in a field and shouting out to the Mother whose love is completely unconditional, “Look at me, Mommy! I’m living! I’m really living!” And then last night, I felt that it was out of place to embrace those same sentiments. This morning, though, as I breathe in new breath, being oh-so-gentle with myself, embracing this darkness and extending compassion toward it before I let it go, I see that those sentiments are so much more profound and appropriate in this moment. And I am dancing with my arms open wide, the vibrant girl-child of my soul unleashed and free, and She is there, dancing with me, breathing me in and out, and celebrating my being just as I am right now.