Over the past month, though more precisely the past three 1/2 weeks (and when I type that out I can barely believe it because it feels like a lifetime has gone by in that short period), my world has turned upside down. And it’s not like the movement was a nice, neat (though when is upside ever really neat?) finite event (though it may have started out that way), it was and is a jumbled, spinning, bobbling, ever-shifting, ever-turning type of motion. I fell in love.
Falling in love. When I look at that phrase, it doesn’t seem quite accurate. I see no fall anywhere. It was more like being swooped up in love. It was a rather unexpected turn of events. I had been yelling at the Mama for the past several months that I wanted my Beloved, and I wanted my Beloved RIGHT NOW. And, you know, the Mama is funny. So often whenever I’ve worked with my tarot cards, medicine cards, runes, and the like, I’ll ask one question and the Mama will give me the answer to the question I should have asked instead. And when she does that, she gives me a great gift. This was much the same. I was envisioning a typical picture of finding my Beloved in the face of a man, envisioning a very typical life that would follow. But the Mama loves me so much that she took one look at what I envisioned and said, “Oh, no, baby. Your Beloved doesn’t look that plain and boring and typical. Your Beloved is more than you ever dreamed of.” And so, instead, the Mama blessed me with a goddess. A lot of you know her.
And when I look back in retrospect, I had a feeling that something was there, nestled into that deep friendship that meant the world to me. When she began speaking to me of wishing to be with a woman, signmom described the experience for which she was yearning. We talked in great detail about it together. And during one of those conversations, a little voice within me had whispered, “It’s me…” And it wasn’t that I didn’t believe Her, because it was most certainly one of those instances where I knew what I knew; rather, it was that I could not imagine that I would have that great place of honor, that privilege to be with such an amazing woman in such an incredibly intimate way. In every way.
And so it was that when we finally met in person in the middle of December that it took a day and a half before the floodgates opened wide and love came in and swooped me up into her arms. I have never experienced such an intensely deep love for another in this life time. And it is this deep love that lives within me, between us, through us, enfolding us that enables me to overcome all of the challenges that face us. Challenges of telling my conservative Christian parents, of living 9 hrs apart, of sifting through friendships and re-evaluating them, of re-working family life and figuring out how new pieces fit in, of working through the seemingly never-ending ripples that look different every day…
It is very energetically demanding work. It has put into perspective so many other things in life, and I find that things I would have considered catastrophes a month ago suddenly seem very small. Much of the time, I feel like Mama only fills my coffers of energy with just as much as I need each day, when I’m used to having a surplus from which to draw. And many changes are coming, and Mama has told me that as much as I’m going to want to DO in these changes, that I will not be able to. At first, I found this incredibly frustrating, but my Beloved helped me to see that the reason I will not have to do anything is because during the time to come, the Mama will be dancing with me, for me. And as I walk and dance this through each day, with each day looking different from the one before (some times a little, some times a great deal), it is my love for my Beloved that gives me strength. With her, I can do anything.