When signmom and I were together in December, we discussed over tarot the changes to come in our lives. I learned that this next period of time brings for me a complete transformation of my Self. When it is over my Self will be distinctly different than it is now and has been recently. And the Mama has made it clear to me that (ironically) She will not be giving me any indication of what these changes will mean, what they will look like in their entirety, and any other helpful bits of information that one would want to know when faced with such a situation. I am to walk blindly through this, trusting in Her to dance it out for me, with me, and completely embracing the medicine of Black Panther – the unknown.
This morning, as I was working with my medicine cards, I felt the need to get in touch with my recently re-drawn totems. The totem of the east which guards the path to illumination and my greatest spiritual challenges is Bat, the representative of rebirth. Seems fitting, no? In reading about Bat, one reads about shamanic death. A complete death of the former self in order to be reborn anew. I hadn’t put the two together recently, and after consulting my pendulum, it made it clear to me that this experience through which I am to walk blindly through is a shamanic death of sorts, or at least parallels it in energy (this is not to say I will be a shaman once this is over, it’s the process of the death part that I’m really referring to).
In the face of such a situation, myriad questions come to mind ranging from, “Why does this Self have to die?” to “What will my new Self look like?” (to which, I know that I am not supposed to know throughout the process which I find mildly irritating). I find my feelings vacillating from uncertainty, fear, heightened anxiety and anticipation, mild resentment (at the process, not the situation), and a sort of “Oh shit…” – the kind that I feel on a rollercoaster when the cars are climbing up the first mountain right before they plummet into who-knows-what. And it makes me want to scream at the Mama, but I know that it won’t do any good and now, more than ever, my energy is better spent elsewhere. It also feels as though in the midst of all of this, more than anything else, there is no room for fear. I think I would be okay with that if I were allowed to keep my fire in all of this, but the Mama has made it clear that in the months to come, my fire will be behind me, I will have no access to it. Fire is will, and I am left wondering how will I be able to move through this with my will, my force, not readily accessible. I am left with the remaining elements to work with, and I must find a way through this with them. I must draw on my Capricorn qualities of persistence, perceverence, and perhaps plain stubbornness as well as my intellect and what I Know, and my water, my emotionality – trusting in what I feel and what I know others involved feel to be constant no matter how much circumstances might make it seem illusory.
And it has already begun. It is hard and uncomfortable. And it will get harder. This is Kali. Long ago, I invited her to me, and this is what She does: wipes away at everything I would normally grasp at in the process of this Death of Self so that a new Me can be reborn. She illuminates what is illusion and what is Real and then promptly destroys everything that is illusion so that only the Real is left standing. She is a harsh teacher, and I am not an easy student. Quite the pair we make together. And as the illusions are getting wiped away, one thing is clear to me. One thing I know is not illusory: my love for signmom and hers for me.