I have been struggling the past several days. The Mama has been kickin’ my ass on just about every front that there is. And it’s exhausting. And I’m reminded of that Mother Teresa quote about knowing God would never give her more than she could handle but wishing he didn’t trust her so much. But it’s not easy to keep that in mind when I feel beyond overwhelmed, scared, and like I cannot breathe because of the hard-ness of what I am walking through. I am eternally grateful that my Beloved is here, walking through this with me no matter what it looks like, no matter how hard it gets. But I wanted to share a conversation I had with the Mama yesterday.
I had gone up to see Her thinking I’d ask about one thing, and She of course directed the conversation back a few steps to discuss some more basic important matters. She then proceeded to call me on my shit. I have been wanting to grow – NOW – and fast and a lot but with entirely the wrong intention. I have wanted to grow so I would be “better” than who and what I am right now. So She pointed out a two year old and a four year old. Can they do the same things? No. Right. The four year old can think more complexly, has greater vocabulary, and can generally do more than the two year old. Does that make the four year old better than the two year old? Of course not. Why? Because the two year old isn’t supposed to be able to do those things yet – developmentally, those aren’t appropriate for the two year old. Exactly. (I love it when the Mama explains stuff in this kind of way to me.)
So now, She said, let’s talk about soul development. Ohhh…I think I know where you’re going with this. There are lots of people walking around who are at certain points in their soul development that are different than other people. Some people are developmentally older and therefore can do more than others who are younger. That doesn’t make them better and it doesn’t make the younger people worse. No, Mama, you’re right. And just like the two year old who runs around all crazy-like, is constantly asking questions, exercising their use of the word ‘no’, and being generally annoying at times, do you think the two year old is “bad” because she does this? No – that’s what she’s supposed to do cause she’s two. Right. So just like there are lots of people who are developmentally younger running around and maybe being annoying, it isn’t fair to think they’re worse because that’s what they’re doing. That’s normal for where they are developmentally.
Now, let’s talk about you, She continued. You want to grow NOW and A LOT but you want to because you think that would make you better than who and what you are right now. But, as we’ve already discussed, that’s not true. No, Mama. You don’t become someone else – someone better – when you grow. You become MORE of your True Self. And just because that True Self looks distinctly different from who you are right now doesn’t make it better, nor does it make you right now worse. They’re just different. Yes, Mama.
And in all seriousness, I haven’t been very fair with the Mama. Yes, I want to grow Now and A Lot, but I seemed to have not taken into consideration that growing at any rate can be hard and painful, let alone growing fast and a lot. So I’ve been bitching at Her when She’s just giving me exactly what I’ve been asking for. Even if She did know I hadn’t taken the “hard” part into consideration.
So last night, I crawled up into Her lap again for a truce. And She snuggled me all up and we talked. And She reminded me of something signmom had said to me a while ago – that I had beautiful wings that I couldn’t even see yet. And She told me that She was teaching me to fly. And learning to fly isn’t easy. It usually entails a good bit of crashing as one gets accustomed to one’s wings and learns how to use them. But I saw them when I was sitting with Her. And they are incredible. And I think about all the Hawks I’ve seen the past few months and how I’ve been enthralled with watching them, seeing how they just hover and float on the wind, swooping down or across with an angling of their wings. And I dream of flying…