Some times it feels like I come to my blog searching for something. Searching for a means to express, reassurance or a kind word from one of you readers to brighten my day, something intangible that doesn’t have words to fill some need that cannot be described. And I come here today in search of something as well.
I’m reminded of that U2 song “Some days are better than others.” Of all the U2 songs I’ve listened to, this one is certainly not a favorite, but the theme and title seems beyond apropos for this time in my life. There are days, and I feel as though recently I’ve been encountering more of them, where I feel as though I am “making progress”, where I feel as though I am expanding my Self enough to be able to begin thinking about what it would be like to embrace this unknown future I am facing. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, something happens or I just wake up and feel shitty. And everything seems shadowy and I can’t find light anywhere and it’s cold and my hope, like the flame of a candle near a partially open window, starts to flicker.
And that started again last night. It snuck up on me and caught me unaware by means of a medicine card reading (I recognize perhaps it shouldn’t have since I was asking what was going on, but it did nonetheless due to how different it felt from previous readings). As I sat there reading the description of the cards in my book in utter confusion, I felt as though all of the sentiments I had expressed to the Mama several weeks ago (when it seemed as though She was saying I needed to grow beyond them), She was now pushing back in front of my face and affirming. And I felt alone. And it felt as though the map I had been holding to help me to get where the Mama told me She wanted me to go suddenly changed and was written in a new language with new symbols, and I can’t understand what any of it means.
That is what makes this time exhausting. As soon as I feel as though I’ve found my footing – unsure and shaky though it may be – something happens and the floor moves or walls spring up where there were none, and I have stumbled and fallen yet again. And I am yet again totally disoriented in a maze that shifts and moves on me. Even the end of the maze moves locations and though I feel as though I had come within short sight of it once, I blinked and suddenly, it was in the exact opposite end of the maze from where I was standing. And it feels as though I will never find my way out.