Epiphanies and such

The past couple days have brought about some (more) changes. No, it doesn’t ever stop – life is certainly far from boring for me right now! As I think I’ve discussed previously, I was raised a conservative Christian. When I finally got the guts to start exploring Paganism and Witchcraft, I had to undergo massive de-programming and get rid of all the misconceptions, lies, and untruths that I had been taught and ingrained to believe. It was an extensive process of which the bulk took about a year to walk through, as I had never encountered a need to de-program before.

After an eye-opening discussion with dearest Tehlanna/Jade, I realized that the changes I’m facing and had labeled as ‘difficulties’ are just another period of de-programming that I’m encountering. It seems like such a simple observation when I type it out that way, so obvious. And yet it has taken a great deal of work to get here. And I most definitely could not have gotten here without some very amazing people in my life, these incredible teachers – Jade, signmom, and Draven. It is amazing how my perspective has shifted since approaching this part of the transformation I am undergoing as a time of de-programming. I think back to my previous experience and recall what it was like, recall intentionally wrapping myself around certain concepts and scrutinizing them, feeling them, probing them, tasting them, smelling them, and eventually discerning Truth from untruth. When I think of the idea that the ideas I am confronting now are deeply rooted in fear and are not an automatic, given Truth, I find myself relieved. Oh, thank Goddess, I say to my Self, I’ve just got a bunch of crap floating around up there that needs to be cleaned up and/or tossed out.

Another major difference I am feeling is a lack of resistance in this process. I feel calmer and much more comfortable flowing with this transformation. I think this is a direct consequence of the aforementioned epiphany. If what I am facing is not Truth, then why would I want to cling to it? Further, I am understanding the lack of need to cling to anything, which goes with the whole flowing thing. Since the Mama made it clear that She wasn’t going to let me do that this time (like She did during my first de-programming), I have stopped fighting to hold on to something. Till now, I found myself clinging to good days and feeling like a little kid in that I’d stomp my feet, whine and cry that all my days should be good days, damnit! And I have railed against the hard ones, sulking and sullen both, and wailing because I wasn’t getting my way.

So many changes crammed into such a small amount of time, so much growth. I don’t say that to sound conceited or arrogant or like I’m anywhere near done. Truly, I don’t think our growing ever stops (or at least I don’t think it should), but I have worked hard to get where I am right now. Over the past few days, the Mama has made it clear that I need to look at how far I’ve come and give myself a pat on the back for all my hard work. When I first heard this from Her, I breathed a sigh of relief – whoo! A breather! And I started to think of it as a pause in my journey, a brief pit stop. But then I realized that it wasn’t – this is still forward motion. It became clear to me how looking back to where we have come from is not a stop in the journey – it is a significant part of moving forward. I choose to celebrate how far I have come to get to this point!

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5 thoughts on “Epiphanies and such

  1. I’d like to celebrate this with you, as you have celebrated and honoured with me so much of what I have experienced and learned. I’m very proud of you and of your examination of the issue of deprogramming yourself. It’s such a hurtful and painful process to start but once begun, if faced honestly as I know you do, it becomes so simple and obvious.

    You have much to teach others in your journey, and I’m very thankful to be your friend and walk with you through this, as you walk with me.

    Sending you love.

  2. Life sometimes seems like a constant uncovering of truths about ourselves and the universe, like climbing out of a tightly wrapped ball with the light becoming clearer and clearer as we reach the surface. You are showing amazing courage in your journey! Thank you for sharing it in your posts!

  3. Tehlanna ~ Thank you, lovely, for the hugs that fill your words. I am so glad to have you as a friend and for your company and love as I walk through this time!

    carolyn ~ Indeed it does! Courage. It is newly discovered for me in this process, and I think it certainly helps with the growing and potential to grow. I have grown much by sharing in the words of others, and I would like to think that sharing my story would maybe give some of that courage to others who are walking through their own times of growth. Hugs to you, lady – so lovely to see you here!

  4. Yes, goldenferi. There are so many wonderfully rich metaphors for transformation. And it certainly does seem to be a never-ending process, though I think that how we choose to experience it has a great deal to do with that. I feel like the more we embrace it, the less painful/difficult it can be. Something I’m working on…

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