Year in review

I’m approaching the one year anniversary of my blog, and in the spirit of honoring what growth I have accomplished, I decided to reread my entire blog and note the things I have learned this year. This list certainly isn’t exhaustive, and I might add to it, but here’s what jumped out at me:

  • I am not a naturally aggressive and spiteful person
  • Even in deep pain, I am able to recognize that it is temporary, that I will heal, that I am strong
  • That even people I love and think I know can be deceptive and hide who they truly are
  • That I am better off without those people in my life
  • That I am one of the best at deceiving myself
  • That even while experiencing intense heartache and pain, I am strong enough to focus on other major events and details of my life that need tending to
  • That crying always leaves a headache in its wake the same way too much alcohol leaves a hangover
  • That I can gain closure for myself in a peaceful way in relationships that end in a very difficult way
  • Meeting people where they are – in whatever developmental space that is – is the best way to ensure connecting with them and possibly helping them
  • While tough love is appropriate at times, not everyone responds well to it, it’s not always appropriate
  • Part of why I am here in this lifetime is to provide strength, aid, and comfort to those who need it or seek it
  • If I let anger and frustration get the better of me, I set myself back developmentally
  • A lot of the means of aid I can give to others requires that I grow beyond myself, beyond where I currently am
  • There is always a sense of anxiety for me in “starting over” in some way in my life, and it’s important that I honor that anxiety so that it can dissipate; starting over is very possible, no matter how hard it is
  • When I am very active in physically doing, I need to make time to settle down and just be – no matter what – and this is not called being selfish or lazy. It’s called self-care
  • I need to attend to my spiritual growth on a regular basis or I feel miserable
  • Culture is not limited to racial/ethnic background; virtually everything we can think of is a type of culture – age, gender, life experience, (dis)ability, geographic location, religious/spiritual affiliation, etc.
  • I can be extremely judgmental towards others, even without realizing it
  • Getting angry when I learn less-than-wonderful things about myself serves little purpose, despite how difficult it is to be confronted with them; rather, my way is easier when I gently, peacefully, and honestly acknowledge those things and then decide whether I wish to remain that way or change
  • I need physical outlets to release stress
  • Adjusting to new life circumstances is difficult and takes a great deal of time and being gentle with myself, even if I’ve done it before
  • Though I disagree with many of the things they did, my parents raised me the best way they knew how; however, because I would have raised me far differently, I have had to (and continue to have to) do a great deal of work on myself to counteract and resolve some of (what I consider to be) their mistakes
  • Religion, even with the right intention, can be deafeningly oppressive
  • Any power anyone or anything has over me is that which I have given to them
  • De-programming old beliefs and patterns of behavior is possible, though hard work that must be committed to and done intentionally and continuously
  • It is possible to miss something that I have never had in this life time
  • The theme of surrender has been floating in and out of my life since July; there are varying levels of surrender
  • Mama will present me with the same lesson numerous times, but each time, She gets a little more insistent until She just gets to the point of kicking my ass
  • Occasionally reviewing how far I have come in my journey is an incredibly important part of my journey, not a bunny trail off of it; I should probably do it more often
  • The Mama frequently talks to me in MY voice, which is a bit freaky
  • I almost always already possess the tools that I need to assist me through life changes, and they are within me
  • I do not fear change – the process – in and of itself; I fear the repercussions and outcomes; and yet, more frequently than not, every change brings me closer to my Self and therefore is worth whatever cost
  • I am capable of balancing work and play, though I don’t always do it
  • No matter how big an obstacle might seem, I can overcome it in time
  • When I’m overeager to get into romantic relationships, I usually do the most damage to myself and am the most blinded to warning signs
  • Perception is a tricky beast, and I can alter mine to see what I want to see when it’s really not good for me. I need to continually ask myself What is? Instead of What do I want to see?
  • The Universe and the Mama are constantly taking care of me and providing for me amidst my doubt and inability to see the final outcome
  • Trusting the Mama is not a one-time event. It is an every day choice She tells me to make again and again and again
  • Trusting the Mama to provide for me is like strengthening a muscle; it needs to be continually exercised in order to grow and become easier to do. And even then, She’ll continually challenge me with heavier weights to keep pushing me to grow
  • I have a tendency to reach out to and cling to things that I feel provide some sense of security when I should really be reaching inward
  • The Feminine cannot be described with masculine language
  • When I resist situations or feelings that I experience, I make it all the harder on myself to integrate those things and/or move past them
  • Being is an active state
  • Gender is a verb
  • There is such a thing as sexual fluidity
  • I don’t need to grow “up”, I need to grow “out” and “in”
  • I have a tendency to fight the very things I claim to seek and desire when they’re presented to me
  • Financial aid departments everywhere SUCK
  • Physical beauty as western culture defines it is overrated
  • Usually, the more difficult and risky the choice is that’s presented to me is the right one to take
  • Validation received from others is something to be balanced with inner-knowing and in light of context
  • Sexual assault can be subtle and mild, and no matter how subtle it is, its repercussions can be long-lasting and widespread
  • I still have unresolved issues related to my assault that I need to work through that have impacted how I view men in relationship and numerous other things of which I am probably even now not yet aware
  • The US court system can be really fucked up
  • Men are socialized by patriarchal society to believe that they need not answer to anything but their hormones; that as soon as they are remotely aroused, they’re no longer responsible for their actions
  • Darkness is not synonymous with evil and needs to be acknowledged within equally with light
  • We are all One (still learning this one)
  • Conceptualizing people as either more good than bad or vice versa is oversimplifying and limiting
  • I need structure to my every day life (it grounds me), and when life doesn’t provide it for me, I need to create it for myself
  • I’m not always good at creating it for myself
  • Some times swearing up a storm and potently feeling the rage within me is the only way to begin to release it
  • Cockroaches are an inevitable part of living in the south. Suck.
  • I have, since July, been committing various acts of surrender to the Mama, each time surrendering a little bit more; each time, learning a new level of that surrender
  • Everything is sacred (I keep learning this one again and again, seeing it from different angles and perspectives)
  • I rush through too many experiences, eager to get on to the next, and in doing so, I risk losing the valuable lessons those experiences offer
  • Nothing likes to be forced
  • Time does not exist; it is an illusion
  • I’ve gotten pretty good at fucking with time
  • There is a difference between knowing something superficially and knowing-living something; truly owning it
  • My capacity for compassion may be infinite, but it’s not always easy to practice
  • It is easy to lose sight of my inner knowing in the academic institution in which I am studying, and this loss happens to many people all the time. I need to honor my inner knowing while also humbly accepting the instruction from my mentors and professors on certain subjects, integrating that knowledge with my inner knowing
  • I am still recovering and working to resolve my parent issues. It’s an ongoing process
  • It is easy to regress to old and out-dated ways of being when with people who still behave in those ways or who knew me when I was like that; it takes concerted effort to remain true to my new self and stand in my truth
  • Little to nothing at all is absolute or guaranteed
  • Perfection does not exist in the way people typically conceptualize it
  • Attempting to make things that are fluid concrete is a waste of time and energy and only promises false security
  • I still have yet to grasp what the Divine Masculine really is; however,
  • The Divine Masculine is not the same thing as what the patriarchy has purported divinity to be
  • When major shit is going down in my world, I don’t have or make time to blog (see posts from December of last year)
  • Mama prefers to answer questions I should be asking rather than questions I’ve actually asked
  • Mama has an incredible sense of humor
  • Transformations lead me to become more of my true self, who I am meant to be; thus, any loss I experience through that transformation is loss of what I no longer need, who I no longer am
  • Transformations are often terrifying and fucking hard
  • Invoking Kali, even unintentionally, will turn your world upside down. A lot.
  • Kali wipes away everything I try to grasp at for security
  • Some times I need to cleanse my life of people I hold or once held dear
  • Losing or ending friendships is always hard no matter how many times I go through it
  • Smoking cigarettes is my last-resort coping mechanism. Quitting, no matter how many times I’ve done it before (temporarily, it seems) is hard. Quitting cold turkey induces a lot of headaches.
  • I think the Mama loves kicking my ass
  • No developmental level is “better” than any other (I’m still working through this one)
  • Sharing does not mean I am “less than” (probably still working through this one, too)
  • Everyone has something to teach someone
  • When learning to fly, falling down is common and necessary
  • Transformation is hard work
  • There is a difference between loving one’s Self and liking one’s Self
  • People are capable of unconditional love
  • In order to love my Self, I must first accept my Self
  • I still have major issues with the Church that I have not yet worked through
  • As self-aware as I like to pride myself on being, some times I just don’t have a clue
  • I have the elemental expressions of personality and behavior incredibly confused. Still.
  • I am a mermaid, and I’m not entirely sure of everything that means
  • Love is the greatest magick

Edited to add:

  • Even when I am going through very difficult and trying times in my life, I am still able to maintain a 4.0 GPA. Whoo hoo! I think my short term memory provides enormous assistance in this department
  • My continual changing is not a matter of not having established or discovered my identity; to be continually changing and growing IS who I am
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6 thoughts on “Year in review

  1. You are an amazing person! So much revelation in such a short time, and for all those I kept saying “yep! yep! yep!” as I read. Your list is something I want to print out and keep so I can refer to it from time to time, there is so much truth there!

  2. ((((carolyn))))

    Thank you! It has been an eventful year indeed…and it promises to not get boring any time soon 🙂 I am honored by your kind words and it warms my heart to hear that you share in the lessons I have learned!

  3. This is a beautiful list, Aerolin, and is evidence that no matter how much growth you have yet to do, you have already grown by leaps and bounds. In the time I’ve known you, you seem to never stop growing, never ceasing that forward momentum. I see you embracing every thing that comes your way, wrapping your arms around life in a most admirable manner. Wishing you strength and courage when you need it, and love always.

  4. (((((tehlanna)))))

    Thank you, love. Your words, support, strength, courage, and love mean more to me than I can say. Thank you for sharing my journey with me – I’m so glad you’re here!

  5. All of this in one short year?? WOWOW Feeling a bit tired?? LOL 😉 You’ve definitely been on one huge growth spurt!! congratulations !!

    While there are so many of these items that I might comment on, I just want to say one thing:

    Unconditional Love does, indeed, exist. This is what I personally have chosen to call “God” …and in God there is no difference between masculine and feminine…only we humans chose to see that duality (this is one I’m still working on myself btw…)

    Which directly relates to…All is One.

    (big sigh here)

    Betrayal. Growth. Heartbreak. Ectasy. Forgiveness. Understanding. Compassion. Empathy.

    Happy Anniversary, Aerolin. May your next year find you growing with alot more peace, ease and joy than ever.

    Namaste

  6. Tired? Yes! Thank Goddess I have 3-4 weeks off before my summer semester starts so at least I won’t need to be integrating school lessons with life lessons. I’m making a point to rest during this time. A lot. 🙂

    Thank you for the anniversary wishes! Indeed, the lack of difference between masculine and feminine in Divinity is one I want to chew on for a while!

    As always, thank you for your kind words. It is wonderful to see and feel your presence here, Grace. Many blessings to you now and always…

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