Unfolding

Ever since last night, I have felt a surge of energy, a renewal of being. When I ground and surrender my Self to the Momma, I feel my Self truly surrendering. I feel all of me drifting down through my feet, down through my roots into the cool earth that is Her body and being released and embraced there. In Trust. In Love. Before, whenever I would surrender, there was a part of it that felt forced, a part of it that felt like it was what I knew I knew I had to do, but I wouldn’t permit my whole heart to be in it. It is deliciously different now. I feel closer to Her than I have ever felt.

I finished Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood tonight. Signmom had lent me the book when we were together after reading me delicious excerpts of it over the phone before our visit. As I was reading it tonight, I saw that the people in the book lived life through all of their senses. They seemed more alive to me. I thought about how I live my life, and I don’t think I do this. There seems to be something about living actively through all of our senses that makes for a more alive life. A life that is truly lived, not endured, automated, or just acted out. Reading this book and feeling this way through the characters and transferring that to my own life in this moment is exhilarating. I don’t want to hold on to this feeling – I want to live it. Each day, every day.

That train of thought leads me to think about a discussion on mindfulness that took place in my class today; how when we’re more aware of our Selves, we are less automatic and more choice-driven in our actions. I also think about Tolle’s A New Earth, about awareness, living in the Now. Synchronicity. It all seems to be saying the same thing to me just using slightly different language. I wonder at how the Universe and the Momma speaks to me, gently (usually) repeating the same message using different words to reach out and connect to me on numerous levels, to allow me to connect back to It and to actually hear what I am being told.

Well, holy fuck!

While with my Beloved, I did and had done for me several tarot/oracle/amulet readings. Throughout all of them was the theme of transformation coming. All day long today, I have been feeling a bit hollow, lacking in energy to be used for anything except this transformation looming on the horizon. I have been quiet and turned inward. The beginning of a hibernation of sorts.

I went to class tonight and managed to interact with some of my classmate friends and acquaintances. At the end of class, I spent some time talking with my favorite professor. I told him about the transformation that is quickly approaching me (if it has not yet already arrived), of my desire to surrender to it and not resist like the last time a transformation was foretold to me. Something he said struck me: That’s so exciting! My inner eyebrow arched and my inner head cocked to one side as I asked myself, It is? On my way home from the train station, I realized that I have traditionally looked at transformation from a very half-empty perspective: as a difficult process, something to endure. And in recognizing this pattern (though I’m pretty sure I’ve recognized it before – and I think I’ve even written about it here – but before I think I only realized this in my head which, to be honest, has never really done me very much good or shifted much in my perception or way of being), I felt it. It felt very heavy, hollow, and tiring. After I felt this, I felt how it could be with a simple shift in my vision. I felt it be exciting, I felt the Momma’s love in it. And suddenly, everything was different.

I felt the Momma’s love. I have known (again, in my head) for several years now that the Goddess loves me, and, I have felt little glimmers of it here and there since then, but never fully. As of yesterday, I began to know that I know that She loves me just as I am. But because of the constructs of constantly comparing my Self to others, I had not been able to open my Self to feel that love more fully. No one else could open me to feeling this, no matter how hard they have tried, no matter what words they have used, no matter how many examples they have pointed out from my life that would prove it beyond a doubt. This was a door that only I had the key for. Only I could choose to unlock and open it and let in the inexpressible, undying, unconditional, knock-you-on-your-ass-and-make-you-love-the-bruise-you-get-in-the-process LOVE. A huge smile beamed from my lips and my heart felt light in a way that I don’t know if it has ever felt before. I was listening to a Kelliana CD and Momma had me put the third track on. She had told me earlier in the day that this song was about Her. I listened to the words more carefully, feeling the energy behind them. At first, I had thought the song was from Her perspective, but then I realized that it wasn’t; it was from the perspective of one of Her daughters. I dedicated the song to Her as I played it over and over again, singing loudly in my car as I drove. There was one line in the song that struck me as having different energy than the rest. “My love spans the ocean, and my love knows no tides.” That was Momma’s line. And the smile on my face shone even brighter than before because I knew that I knew it and because I felt it.

I thought back to the idea of transformation being exciting. I thought back to the Goddess Amulet reading my Beloved had done for me when I was with her and of the amulet I got that told me I needed to play. Suddenly, playing and transformation didn’t seem like they were polar opposites, oil and water that can never mix. Suddenly, their mixing and co-existence felt not only very possible but very necessary.  And the hollowness and lack of energy that I had been feeling disappeared and was replaced with a surge of excitement, of love, of passion, and of trust.  

I don’t know what this transformation will look like when it arrives in full force. I don’t know what it will involve, what will change during the process, or what it will look like afterward. And for the first time, I’m not only okay with it, but I’m looking forward to it. 😀

Life lessons…

One of my major life lessons this time around has to do with comparing myself to others. I do this constantly. Yesterday, on my car ride home from my Beloved’s, I had asked the Momma a question that I had thought was unrelated to this issue. Her response to me was that I would never understand the answer to that question unless I figured out this issue of comparing. I hadn’t realized that the question I had asked was all about comparing myself to those around me. I started to sit with my tendency to compare myself to others and, after going around in circles for a bit, I came to realize that I had the belief that I am not good enough. Not good enough for what? To be fully loved, just as I am, wherever that may be. Then I realized that whenever I’ve looked at myself (not with my eyeballs), I’ve seen myself only as compared to others and never fully just as myself.

At that moment, I remembered something I had read in the Tarot of Transformation book. I think the card was the Healer of Disks. It talked about how we have a wounded inner child and how we frequently parent this child as we were parented. I thought about my parents, how their love for me has always been conditional, and I realized that I have been treating myself in the same way. I stumbled upon the belief that I would never be able to parent myself differently and released it to the Momma. Even more so, I discovered that I have been projecting this belief, this manner of loving myself on to others. Especially on to the Momma. I have related to Her primarily through my Teacher (of my own accord – this is not at all something that my Teacher advocated or perhaps even knew about) and projected on to Her the idea that She would only love me through her. In relation to her and others.

I asked the Momma how I could change this, how do I move through this? She reminded me of an assignment She’d given me to do in which I was to write a thank you letter to my ideal momma and to the mother I actually had. She told me to think of how my ideal momma would see/See me, what she would say, how she would treat me. As soon as She told me this, I heard my ideal momma start speaking and tears began flowing down my face.