One of my major life lessons this time around has to do with comparing myself to others. I do this constantly. Yesterday, on my car ride home from my Beloved’s, I had asked the Momma a question that I had thought was unrelated to this issue. Her response to me was that I would never understand the answer to that question unless I figured out this issue of comparing. I hadn’t realized that the question I had asked was all about comparing myself to those around me. I started to sit with my tendency to compare myself to others and, after going around in circles for a bit, I came to realize that I had the belief that I am not good enough. Not good enough for what? To be fully loved, just as I am, wherever that may be. Then I realized that whenever I’ve looked at myself (not with my eyeballs), I’ve seen myself only as compared to others and never fully just as myself.
At that moment, I remembered something I had read in the Tarot of Transformation book. I think the card was the Healer of Disks. It talked about how we have a wounded inner child and how we frequently parent this child as we were parented. I thought about my parents, how their love for me has always been conditional, and I realized that I have been treating myself in the same way. I stumbled upon the belief that I would never be able to parent myself differently and released it to the Momma. Even more so, I discovered that I have been projecting this belief, this manner of loving myself on to others. Especially on to the Momma. I have related to Her primarily through my Teacher (of my own accord – this is not at all something that my Teacher advocated or perhaps even knew about) and projected on to Her the idea that She would only love me through her. In relation to her and others.
I asked the Momma how I could change this, how do I move through this? She reminded me of an assignment She’d given me to do in which I was to write a thank you letter to my ideal momma and to the mother I actually had. She told me to think of how my ideal momma would see/See me, what she would say, how she would treat me. As soon as She told me this, I heard my ideal momma start speaking and tears began flowing down my face.