Well, holy fuck!

While with my Beloved, I did and had done for me several tarot/oracle/amulet readings. Throughout all of them was the theme of transformation coming. All day long today, I have been feeling a bit hollow, lacking in energy to be used for anything except this transformation looming on the horizon. I have been quiet and turned inward. The beginning of a hibernation of sorts.

I went to class tonight and managed to interact with some of my classmate friends and acquaintances. At the end of class, I spent some time talking with my favorite professor. I told him about the transformation that is quickly approaching me (if it has not yet already arrived), of my desire to surrender to it and not resist like the last time a transformation was foretold to me. Something he said struck me: That’s so exciting! My inner eyebrow arched and my inner head cocked to one side as I asked myself, It is? On my way home from the train station, I realized that I have traditionally looked at transformation from a very half-empty perspective: as a difficult process, something to endure. And in recognizing this pattern (though I’m pretty sure I’ve recognized it before – and I think I’ve even written about it here – but before I think I only realized this in my head which, to be honest, has never really done me very much good or shifted much in my perception or way of being), I felt it. It felt very heavy, hollow, and tiring. After I felt this, I felt how it could be with a simple shift in my vision. I felt it be exciting, I felt the Momma’s love in it. And suddenly, everything was different.

I felt the Momma’s love. I have known (again, in my head) for several years now that the Goddess loves me, and, I have felt little glimmers of it here and there since then, but never fully. As of yesterday, I began to know that I know that She loves me just as I am. But because of the constructs of constantly comparing my Self to others, I had not been able to open my Self to feel that love more fully. No one else could open me to feeling this, no matter how hard they have tried, no matter what words they have used, no matter how many examples they have pointed out from my life that would prove it beyond a doubt. This was a door that only I had the key for. Only I could choose to unlock and open it and let in the inexpressible, undying, unconditional, knock-you-on-your-ass-and-make-you-love-the-bruise-you-get-in-the-process LOVE. A huge smile beamed from my lips and my heart felt light in a way that I don’t know if it has ever felt before. I was listening to a Kelliana CD and Momma had me put the third track on. She had told me earlier in the day that this song was about Her. I listened to the words more carefully, feeling the energy behind them. At first, I had thought the song was from Her perspective, but then I realized that it wasn’t; it was from the perspective of one of Her daughters. I dedicated the song to Her as I played it over and over again, singing loudly in my car as I drove. There was one line in the song that struck me as having different energy than the rest. “My love spans the ocean, and my love knows no tides.” That was Momma’s line. And the smile on my face shone even brighter than before because I knew that I knew it and because I felt it.

I thought back to the idea of transformation being exciting. I thought back to the Goddess Amulet reading my Beloved had done for me when I was with her and of the amulet I got that told me I needed to play. Suddenly, playing and transformation didn’t seem like they were polar opposites, oil and water that can never mix. Suddenly, their mixing and co-existence felt not only very possible but very necessary.  And the hollowness and lack of energy that I had been feeling disappeared and was replaced with a surge of excitement, of love, of passion, and of trust.  

I don’t know what this transformation will look like when it arrives in full force. I don’t know what it will involve, what will change during the process, or what it will look like afterward. And for the first time, I’m not only okay with it, but I’m looking forward to it. 😀

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