Awareing

This transformation has been and continues to be an amazing journey, or rather, an amazing leg of my journey.  I have cried, I have sang, I have traveled with Inanna into my own underworld, I have danced, I have meditated, I have had long talks with the Momma and visits back to that moment outside of space and time when She first truly claimed me as Her own, I have held ritual, I have read, I have written, I have felt my Self and spoken with my Self and held my Child Self, I have loved my Self through painful letting go that then turned into bliss, I have taken numerous bubble baths, I have seen what cannot be seen and accepted that which is still hidden, I have laughed, I have learned, I have fought with my Self and destroyed parts of my Self that no longer serve me, I have let go of resentment and disappointments that had been holding me back from truly connecting with my Self to become who I am meant to be.  And though I can recite all of those things I have been doing and done, I find that there is no English that can truly capture what all of that has been like for me, no words to express how I feel now when compared to how I felt at the beginning of it.

A few days ago, I had an awareing, a knowing that had escaped me before but when I felt it, I had one of those ‘ohhhhh’ moments.  The light bulb kind.  Back in May and early June, I had gone through a similar time of drawing close to the Momma, except I didn’t recognize it then for what it was supposed to be.  I looked at it like some intensive retreat with the Momma that would end, and I would go back to my life as I had been leading it, perhaps with some minor modifications.  My inability to see it for what it was and what it was supposed to be is what brought me back here.

The awareing came when I knew that this current intensive time with the Momma is how it and I am supposed to be all the time.  And the things that I have been separated from during this brief time in order to do the work that I have been doing get to be added back in to my life when the time comes, added to this new way of being which is meant to be the way I live my life.

As this time draws to a close, I find my Self filled with a deep peace, a knowing that I will carry with me the changes I have undergone, and a shimmering excitement of sharing these changes and this newly transformed Self with those I love.

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