Tonight I find myself faced with how hard this path that I have chosen can be at times. I thought I was nearing the end of this transformation period, when really, it now looks as though I am only nearing the middle. And it is still a choice, my choice. For the past two weeks or so I have been getting cards in my tarot spreads about a painful growth experience that was going to take place. And although up to this point, this transformation hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t been what I would call painful. Difficult, yes. Demanding, yes. Challenging, yes. Painful, no.
I have been working on examining how I am to teach my parents unconditional love. I have been working on completing an assignment the Momma gave me that involved writing a thank you letter to my ideal mother and my actual one (which I am NOT required to send). I had completed the assignment to my ideal mother a while ago, cried a lot, and mourned the lack of her. But I had been putting off working on the one to my actual mother. And I knew that I would not have learned most of the lessons I have learned if I had not been born to my actual mother. I own that I chose her and my father to be my parents. But I hadn’t been ready to really see that and embrace it. After a conversation with an aunt during which she told me my mother’s mother (my nana) had once said that she could never love my mother, I saw my mom from a different perspective. How painful it must have been for her – my mom is a rather insightful person, and I know she would have felt that from my nana. I saw my teaching her about unconditional love as a means to offer her healing. It would be her responsibility to accept it, but it’s my job to offer it.
Saturday, I went up to the city where my sister lives with my mom. It was challenging, but not overly so, and I handled it well. On the way back in the airport yesterday waiting for our flight to begin boarding, I told my mom of my involvement in this polyamorous relationship. I say I, but I’m still not sure if Momma had taken over my body for several minutes, and while I want to accept responsibility for my actions, it felt like it wasn’t all me. Over the holidays last year, I had told my mom (and dad) of my relationship with my beloved. At the time, the relationship was not polyamorous. The holidays were a disaster, and my relationship with both my parents has been strained since then. Truly, it’s been strained for the past four years, but that tension spiked again over the holidays after my disclosure and has remained high. I’ve been distant from my parents since then, not being in a place where I could talk to them without it making the dynamic between us worse. My mom handled this new news surprisingly well. We had the beginnings of a mature discussion, though she made it clear that she came from a worldview (I was so proud to hear her use those words) where she did not agree with the relationship, nor would she ever give it her blessing. I knew this, and I didn’t and don’t expect that to ever change. But the conversation marked the first time that I have been able to maintain myself and not slip back into the role of Child when discussing such a heated topic. And I worked very hard (successfully, I think) to stay in a place of unconditional love and compassion. But this discussion was merely the gateway into a much deeper discussion which will, no doubt, be more challenging.
My mom has grown a lot since the holidays. I am extremely proud of her. She has learned a handful of very valuable lessons that will make working on our relationship much easier. And yet, the task is still enormous. We come from entirely different worldviews. Everything that I have received in my tarot readings has spoken to me of necessary self-sacrifice on my part, bringing energy to this task and being a driving force behind it, letting go of thinking of my parents as the “bad guys” which has enabled me to maintain a victim perspective in the past and served as an excuse not to have to do any work, and huge change.
I was pretty floored after my initial conversation with my mom, and the first thing I wanted to do was to call my beloved and share it with her. Momma said no. I needed to keep this silence between us that began at with this transformation time. Somehow, between last night at about midnight and today around noon, how huge this task is became a reality to me, and no doubt, my fears all dove into the mix to make it seem all the more formidable. That was when I started to feel that I am not at the end of this transformation but the middle. An intuition that I am supposed to do all this without the connection with my beloved began dawning on me, and I felt paralyzed. And I recalled the painful growth experiences predicted in my cards and saw it laid out before me now. I realized how much she and my other partner constitute most of my support system and simultaneously saw how unbalanced it was to have my support system be primarily comprised of two people, how unfair it was for all of us, but especially them for me to expect that of them. It isn’t that I don’t have other close friends – I do – but none who speak the same language I speak in terms of my spirituality and who “get” the Momma and the tasks She lays down. I began to feel very alone. Yet heard that I wasn’t, not with Momma with me. I thought back to one of the lessons I have continually learned from my actual mother – that I am capable of far more than I realize. And then I thought about a lesson I learned this summer: “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should” and thought angrily, Why can’t that apply now, damnit?!
It certainly doesn’t help that all this is exacerbated by some serious PMS which is serving to magnify all my emotions ten-fold. I will not stay in this space, but I honor that I am here now, pissy and crying and angry and wondering if I have masochistic tendencies. I choose to send my Self unconditional love, though I am feeling weak and slightly disappointed in myself for being where I am. I choose this path. I choose the Momma. I choose to trust that She will walk me through this somehow. I also choose to go to bed and have faith that tomorrow will be a different day.