Signmom published a post a few days ago about Mabon, how this is the time of year to review the past 365 or so days as Samhain approaches and brings with it a new year, a time to take stock at what one has accomplished and what has been left undone or not reached completion, a time to reflect on the path one has traveled. I commented on her blog challenging her to look at not only what was left undone but what was accomplished, what growth took place. I decided it was a good idea to take my own advice, so I started looking at my blog and where and who I was this time last year and reflect on what all has happened since then.
To say that a great deal has changed for me, with me, and in me over the past year would be, I feel, a gross understatement. Last year at this time, I was learning lessons that I just realized about 5 minutes ago I had forgotten over the course of the year and only began relearning recently, some just within the past 6 wks. Most of them were huge, life-changing lessons. I forgot them at some point along the way like I was suffering from amnesia or something. As I read my own words, a realization began settling into place that I had spoken briefly about, alluded to, last October that has only within the past several weeks begun to be clear to me once more: although I am a student and I am (content, now, with being) imperfect, although I am always learning and growing, although there is far more that I don’t know than that which the Momma has taught me either Herself or through others, I am not without something to share. Eek – even writing these words I hear a voice in my head saying that I am being too daring, too audacious, presumptuous, and egotistical to utter them; a voice that says I should doublecheck with certain people in my life to get their approval and validation before even publishing this post. But I say this, not from a place of ego, but from a place of recognition at how I have grown, from a place of gratitude and feeling honored and humbled that I would be given something to share with others. And I remember the adage that everyone has something to teach someone. This is something that I have struggled with for a considerable time. Constantly looking outside my Self for wisdom, for learning, for information, insight, guidance and all the while, putting others above me, fixing them atop pedestals, thinking (of my own accord) that they were “better” than me is a pattern I have participated in for longer than I can remember. A pattern that, as this year draws to a close, I choose to allow to end.
A wise woman once told me that it is important, as we travel our paths, to not only look at how far we feel we need to go, but to honor how far we have come. I look back on this past year, and it feels to me as though I had reached a certain point on my path and then veered off, moving backward, forgetting significant pieces of wisdom and knowledge as I allowed my Self to get bogged down and disoriented by challenges I faced, dreams I lost, and pain I experienced, only to slowly circle back and reach that point again recently, changed. Some times we need to move backward and lose our way in order to truly find our Selves. Although there is a part of me that wonders where I would be today if I had not backtracked and become a bit lost, I feel that dwelling on that thought bears no significant and meaningful fruit. That was simply where I was at the time.
Over the last year, I have learned a lot and I have probably forgotten more. I have been shaken. I have had my ass kicked by the Momma more times than I care to count and, thankfully, I have grown as a result. My world has been turned upside down by love. I have lost dreams and gained new ones. I have worked magick successfully and unsuccessfully. I have stumbled and fallen flat on my face. I have risen to try again. I have died. I have been reborn. I have lost my power. I have uncovered it again. And still, I am becoming, unfolding, and awakening.