When I was younger, I had the dream of finding romantic-till-death-do-us-part love in the face of a man like many girls raised by heterosexist, ultra-conservative Christian parents. I dreamed of what he might look like, of having a family together. Lots of girls dream of their actual wedding, but I never really got into that much. I didn’t have the ceremony constructed in my head, the menu, the guest list, the color of my bridesmaid dresses, etc. As I got older, I did dream of my dress a little (it was never one of those froo-froo dresses with yards and yards of toile), but that wasn’t as much self-driven as it was influenced by one of my best friends who would go to theknot.com and plan her wedding in complete detail. None of that was as significant as the man himself.
And then, as I’ve written here before, a year ago, Momma turned my world upside down, and I fell in love with an amazing woman and eventually entered into a polyamorous relationship. A couple years ago, before my beloved and I got together, she gave me a Theta healing appointment over the phone. It was the first time we ever talked on the phone. She knew then about my dream of finding this mystery man and described him to me, telling me he would come into my world in October. He didn’t that year, and after entering into my relationship with her, I let go of it. Momma had given me something so much grander than I had dreamed for myself.
During my last visit with my polyfamily (who I will refer to from here on out simply as ‘my family’), toward the end, my beloved did a tarot card reading for the three of us to gauge where we stood and look at the upcoming years. One of the spreads brought some surprising information: that man that I had dreamed about before was going to come into my life in the next year, and I could choose which relationship I wanted to pursue with the Knowing that Momma would bless whichever one I selected. There was no right or wrong – I had “proven”, so to speak, to Momma that I would do what She asked of me and follow Her so that now I was being rewarded with a situation where it just came down to my preference.
After having spent so long trying to do only what the Momma told me to and then being confronted with a situation where it was genuinely my choice disoriented and confused me greatly. How would I know which one to choose? As I sat there with my beloved wrapping me in unconditional love, not clinging, and telling me that whatever I chose, she would still love me, I cried. Over the course of that day, I reflected on my former dream as I sat in the loving comfort of this new dream. Which would I choose? I imagined not having my family in my life in the capacity in which they are right now and felt a deep and painful sorrow and loss. I imagined not seeing the amazing baby goddesses that are my love’s children, and my adopted children in my heart, grow up, learn to drive, have their first significant other, date, etc. I imagined living a life with the man I used to dream of, having children, pets, etc. I imagined coming home to him. I imagined coming home to the family I have worked with to create. Only in one of those situations did I breathe a sigh, did my heart fill with love and comfort and a sense of safety and a true feeling of being “home.”
My love said to me when we were discussing the tarot spread that maybe our relationship was just to prepare me for my relationship with this man. I think she said something about not wanting me to settle. After imagining what the future could hold in either situation, I realized that settling would look like going back to my old dream. I have grown and changed in so many ways that the dream of him no longer fits, in the same way my favorite outfit when I was 7 yrs old no longer fits me today. It is no longer my dream. Now, in this moment of true choice, I choose to dream this new dream, this dream of not romantic-till-death-do-us-part love, but of soul-deep-connection-forever-sacred-rock-and-shake-my-world-to-make-it-a-most-amazing-unconditional-love-filled-place love. And I have never felt more at home.