Extreme makeover: internal edition

This is the third time I’ve sat down to write a post here today – technically the fourth if you count realizing that my first attempt would be better off as two separate posts. Each time, I’ve ended up deleting what I’ve written either before or shortly after I publish it because it just wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Of course I have no idea “what it’s supposed to be” looks like (that would be too easy, right?). Have you ever had days like that?

My brain feels a bit like a house in the midst of being completely remodeled. Walls have been scraped back to the dry wall while others have been out and out sledge hammered away, but the edges aren’t cleaned up yet; there’s exposed wiring that has yet to be rewrapped here and there; primer and paint cans are lined up over there but not ready to be used yet; there’s a saw horse that’s been knocked over in that corner with a circular saw right nearby; plastic drop cloth covers the ripped up flooring yet to be sanded down; and, the whole place certainly doesn’t feel very habitable at the moment.

See, my family and I were evicted from our apartment (I keep wanting to write ‘home’ but Momma keeps reminding me that’s not Truth) several days ago. It wasn’t the traumatizing event it could have been (for which I am immensely grateful) – we knew it was coming and had prepared for it as much as was feasible.  After unsuccessfully trying to find another place to live in the Atlanta area, we hauled our selves and our belongings down to Jacksonville, FL where L’s (my wife’s husband) brother had beyond graciously offered us his house to stay in while he and his wife, who are in the midst of divorcing, aren’t living there while they prepare to sell it. The experience has been one of turning my world upside down (again – I hadn’t realized I’d been due for another one of those apparently) and upending a whole mess of stereotypes, beliefs, and values about money and what has value on their heads.

In the midst of all this, and now that I’m done with my temper tantruming and kicking and screaming about it (I think), I can see that I have experienced Momma and Papa’s guiding it to work out ‘just so.’ I don’t know why this happened the way it did, I don’t know what will happen in 60 days when our guarantee of housing from L’s brother is currently set to expire or what we’d do then and where we’d go.

But here’s some of what I’ve come to know through this experience:

  • nothing that has True value is tangible or concrete
  • appearances are remarkably deceiving and should not be trusted
  • wisdom is found some times in the seemingly unlikeliest places and people and I need to pay closer attention and be more open-minded
  • when I resist what I am experiencing, I make things exponentially harder for myself
  • when I allow myself to become attached to that which does not have True value, I open myself up to the opportunity to experience unnecessary pain and difficulty

So, as I sit here and write, I remind myself that 1) I am resilient, and 2) the purpose of remodeling is to make something stronger and better than it had been before. Instead of trying to take over or direct the remodeling project myself, I am going to try to ask Momma and Papa where They would like to lead me, where I am meant to be, and what is in my highest and best interest to be doing right now.

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