After sitting with this post overnight, I felt the need to edit/modify it. It contained martyr energy that I’m choosing to let go of. I hope I’ve done that in this revision…
Growth has many faces, some prettier than others. As I walk along this path I tread, the Mama reminding me of how much I’ve grown, I suddenly began to question my growth. Recently, I discovered a dream I have that’s been hiding in the corners of my mind and heart that makes me feel as though I have not done as much growing as I had thought. A dream that I’d been holding on to without realizing it. When I cried out to the Mama in desperation and frustration and difficulty, She told me a story.
Once, there was a young woman named Aerolin. She was so consumed in her fire that she only saw what she wanted to the exclusion of all else. She was utterly incapable of seeing other perspectives. Then, slowly, she began to change. And what caused that change? Love, Mama, I answered. Yes, Love. Because Love is the biggest and greatest magick that exists. And soon, she found herself holding on to a dream she had previously refused to acknowledge. And she was able to see her circumstances from not only her own perspective but from the perspectives of everyone else involved. She knew that if her dream were to come true, it would cause pain to others. She did not want to cause anyone pain, and she felt guilty for having her dream. This, in and of itself, is not necessarily a good thing, but it is an improvement. It is growth. And how do I sit with all this, Mama? What do I do with it? The fact that you are sitting with it at all is growth. And that is a beautiful thing.
Though it doesn’t feel beautiful to me, I know there is wisdom in Her words. I know I wrote not long ago about celebrating my growth, but that was when I had no pictures to put on that canvas. So much of the time when we are growing, we only see how far we have to go, and we fail to recognize how far we have come. It is not easy to see that even baby steps can be victorious. As for my previous celebrating, it’s relatively easy to celebrate something abstract. But when the face of growth is not the face we had expected – when it is not what we would consider beautiful or even somewhat attractive – and when it is accompanied by images and thoughts of challenge, that celebrating becomes more difficult. Its beauty more elusive. It is difficult for me to celebrate right now. Especially because I know that if I am to continue growing, I don’t see how that dream can remain alive. And I feel as though I am at yet another crossroads. It isn’t that I don’t know which way I will go (I do) – it is that taking that step means letting go of that dream. And as far as I have come, I’m not quite ready to do that just yet. So instead, I stay here and sit and wait. And I breathe.