During a morning meditation a few days ago, I pulled Grouse from my medicine cards. Grouse is associated with the Sacred Spiral. It asks us to focus on how we move through life. The night before I had pulled Swan and Swan’s words “I will surrender to the flow of the Spiral and trust what I am shown” leapt out of the page and onto my heart. Go with the flow. Surrender. Resistance. I love it when the Universe speaks so clearly.
So in my morning meditation with Grouse, I considered my locomotion through life. Through lives. The image that came to mind was of occasionally moving forward and then not merely halting and standing still, but some times, fighting so hard that I appear to move backwards. Think of a cartoon cat trying to be pushed through a doorway who has its claws dug into the frame, doing everything in its power to resist forward movement. I decided to dig deeper into this, and I imagined myself traveling a spiral carving deep into the earth. Why did I fight so much? And more often than not, why do I fight the very things I claim to seek and desire? Because it is what I know. When I got down to the end of the spiral, I encountered a deep rage accumulated from numerous lives when I was a warrior – both literal and figurative. Lives when I had to fight to live, fight something to survive. Rage against having to fight and rage directed toward unknown targets that were my opponents in lives past. In this life, I have had little foundation for this kind of rage. I have lived a life many would desire to trade with their own. My main source for suffering in this life has been feeling lost and trying to find myself, experiencing the battle of separating from my conservative Christian parents and repairing damage done when they realized I was no longer a miniature of them (this is a work in progress – 3 yrs and counting).
After talking with a friend, I realized then that one of my purposes in having had such a life to this point is so I can be completely separated from those previous lives filled with pain. I have stepped outside myself and my experiences for an incarnation in order to put them into perspective. And yet, this rage was still present. How could I go about healing myself? Another wise friend offered the idea of healing by not going back to the past, but by freely stepping into the future; that the past could be healed by opening up to what is now being offered.
I sat with that a while and later that night while lying in bed before falling asleep, something new occurred to me. The rage I had connected to in my earlier meditation was not a negative thing in and of itself for it had served the purpose of keeping me alive. It was a force with which to be reckoned, but an unpredictable one. Its base substance was a deep connection with living; an active living – continually engaged with the act of being. There was great significance in that. And I realized then that it does not need to be healed by means of being extinguished, rather it needs to be transformed, refined. Directed toward a new purpose. I also recognized that in the very act of considering it and considering my history of fighting/resisting, I am not resisting. I am engaging. There is great meaning in that.