Something I’ve become aware of recently for myself is a sort of disconnect of different parts of me. They feel as though they are beginning to be integrated but have a long way to go. For example, in my life outside of school, I feel more at ease with myself. I don’t really separate my spirituality from the rest of my life – to me, they are one in the same. Thus, I have an easier time recognizing “where” people are, who and where I am, more concretely, the Oneness that we Are, etc. But I’ve noticed within the past few weeks that my school setting is different for me (and I know that I make it so). In the rest of my life, I recognize that the answers to the questions I am asking myself are found within. In school, the feeling is different. And it’s not easy to articulate, so I’ll ask that you try to stay with me here because this could very well be incoherent or somewhat disjointed.
Because I have dedicated myself to learning about this particular field, I find a hard time integrating my overall Self with who I am as a student. This results primarily in my looking to others for knowledge and guidance, instruction and opinion. And to a degree, I think this is very necessary, so long as it relates specifically to what it is I am learning (the concrete material) and so long as I don’t forget my Self and what I bring, maintaining assurance in my capacity to take what I’m learning and integrate it with what else I Know. And that seems to be where I’m getting tripped up.
One of the things I loved (and love) about my program is that it’s not one of those stereotypical academic programs where the professors think of themselves as gods and the students are mere peons. My program is much more collaborative and honoring of students, their innate talents, and the life experiences they’ve had and skills they’ve acquired. But the line there seems to be pretty fine. And since our society is all about empirical evidence coming from some laboratory or published in a scholarly journal is more significant than LIVED empirical evidence from one person, minding that line can lead to confusion.
Sera Beak over at Spiritual Cowgirl says that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I find myself a spiritual being having not only a human experience but an academic human experience which is a whole sub-variety with its own norms, and I’m trying to figure out how to maintain my Truth, stay in my program (though, as I mentioned to signmom, there are times when I just want to chuck it all away and take up my fantasy of living as the woman in the woods), and more fully integrate these different experiences I’m having and being.